Here is the thing about having a birthday. It makes you re-evaluate yourself on the most basic level and contemplate the way you exist. Well, maybe not for a 5-year-old, but certainly for my now-29-year-old-self. I’ve been looking forward to this number for a long time. When I was little I used to ask my grandmother how old she was, and she would always answer with 29. No matter how old she was, or when I asked, her answer was always “29”. From that young age I idolized Age 29. I thought it was the epitome of greatness. I thought, since it was the age she chose to be stuck at forever, that it would hold special magical powers.

Now that I’ve hit that milestone, I know it to be true. It does hold magical powers. The most magical of all. And it has nothing to do with the age. It has everything to do with my connection to myself, who I wan to be, and who I am. You see, my grandmother was the most special person to me. She was my best friend, my confidant, and the person I wanted to tell all my secrets to. I lost her when I was 13, and it was the most profoundly moving experience for me. And I thought, when she passed away, that when I’m 29 I will understand her.

And I think I do. I think I understand what it means to be me. And that is, in turn, understanding her. It is important. It is meaningful. It is what she would have wanted for me.

I spent my birthday with no expectations, and that is one of the biggest lessons I have learned. I have learned to stop expecting things from the world, and to begin expecting everything from myself. I am in control. I make goodness manifest in my life. I do not expect handouts from the world anymore. I woke up on my birthday and kissed my husband and cuddled my cats and I felt Home. I went to my studio and photographed an image I’ve been planning for 8 months, and I felt Alive. I was surprised by my best friend with balloons, and I felt Loved. I got a card from my parents and texts from my friends, and I felt Appreciated. I woke up at sunrise and watched the rays of the sun peak through the trees, turning the world from deep blue to golden yellow, and I felt Connected. I blew out the candles we put in my vegan cake, and I felt Magical.

What more can a person ask for? I’ve had great birthdays before, but always it was dependent on what others did for me, not what I did for myself. This year a shift has happened. I have accepted my responsibility. Maybe that is what it means to be grown – to be responsible for your own happiness.

I am blessed with many ambitious friends, many of whom are a bit older than myself, and for years I’ve heard their declarations of what they will have accomplished by age 30. I thought that when I entered the final year of my 20’s I would feel that urgency to produce, to be great, to be adored. But I find just the opposite. There is peace in knowing that presence in small moments, appreciation in small successes, and love for all things is more important than competition, achievement, and praise.

This past year I changed the way I work, the work I produce, and the way I live my life day to day. Everything has shifted for me. I began a yoga practice, making my health so much better. I was walking with a cane for months, and now, no more. I began a gratitude practice, and this has helped me better understand others and my own toxic thoughts. I have begun working more meaningfully, actively ridding myself of expectation, pressure, and competition.

I can see why my grandmother loved age 29, and I’m starting to think it wasn’t just because it sounded better than 30 to her. What a blessing to be able to see with such clarity, to appreciate yourself in your fullness, and to look forward with peaceful joy in all of life’s opportunities. I know that this feeling can be fleeting, that it might not be for everyone, and might come at different milestones for different people. But for the child in me that has waited all these years to meet my grandmother at 29, I welcome this moment and give her the hug I never got to when I was 13. 29 looks good on us.