This was a year of extreme breakthrough for me on many levels. Professionally, I learned what I don’t want to do anymore and what I want to do more of. Cosmically (sure, why not), I learned where my position is in this life and how to better ascertain that (spoiler: it’s wherever I desire it to be). Creatively, I finally brought together ideas I’ve had brewing for nearly a year (more on that later). I learned these lessons by committing to one simple directive:

Pursue your PASSION and pursue it WELL.

Think about people who you think are really talented, who attract people to them, who really have that special something. Now imagine that person doing something other than what you know them for. Do you naturally assume they will also be good at that thing? I certainly do. Take Tim Burton, for example. I think he is a mastermind director. I had no idea he was also a sketch artist. And you know what? I think it’s brilliant work. The reason for this is simple: he is not talented because he found the one thing he is good at. He is talented because he has a vision and he is smart enough to apply that to anything he pursues.

The people who I admire are not talented or naturally good at one thing. They bring with them a fire/passion/charisma/drive that permeates the medium they work in. It flows through everything they touch. And that is why they are golden; that is why they themselves are geniuses and not just the work they produce.

This is a concept that I have spent a long time internalizing this year. I desire to be good at something just as anyone does. But, I don’t want to be known for one thing. I don’t want, for example, photography to be the only thing I ever do well. I want every passion I have to shine with the excitement I have for it. I want everything I do to have a piece of my soul in it.

Sort of like creating horcruxes, but not evil.

Let me explain how I’ve tried to embody that idea this year, and what the catalyst for it was.

I spent years trying to write a novel. I managed 80,000 words, and it was really, really hard. I was lost, I was confused, I had no sense of direction or plot, I didn’t know my characters, and it was simply painful to get to the end. I loved trying, but I loved reaching the 79,999th word even more.

“I’m done!” I thought fondly. And so I sent the manuscript off to my friend Ksenia, who promptly got back to me with the following advice:

“I know it took you years to work on this, but this is not a draft of a novel. Not yet. It’s more of a summery with some expanded scenes, something you write BEFORE you write the first draft. So it needs a lot of work before it will become a book.”

Needless to say, I had the stuffing knocked out of me for a minute. Literally, one minute. And then I put the stuffing back in, with extra care around the heart, and my world abruptly changed.

AND THIS IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS.

You make a choice, right there in the moment, right away, in a single instant, to be better.

When I read those words, I felt their truth. I felt the guidance. I felt ready to make them disappear.

I told you earlier that the lesson I learned was to pursue your passion and pursue it well. Up until this point in my life, my guiding force was “pursue your passion”. It wasn’t until this year that I put emphasis on doing it with integrity, with grit, with determination and with hours of hard work.

I received Ksenia’s feedback in mid-May. By June I had a book list to read and I was ready to be a student of writing. I wanted to learn CRAFT before I sacrificed my VISION. And I was not going to be so egotistical as to believe I was above any of it. I became a student in the most serious way.

I used to say I was a reader. The reality was, I just wanted to be a reader. I read about 1-2 books a year – that’s it. In the past 6 months I’ve managed to read 23 books, some fiction and some nonfiction, all teaching me how to be a better writer by studying craft. All of that was in between hosting my yearly convention, recording a 26-hour long Creative Live class, exhibition openings and more…all completely alone while traveling for a solid 3 of those 6 months. I say this because we are all busy. That is not an excuse. You make time for what is truly most important, and you don’t make time for the rest.

I made the time. And it was really hard, and I spent a lot of dinners with a baked potato trying to scrape in another chapter to keep moving forward.

Though let’s be honest, I love baked potatoes.

At some point I went from wanting
to publish a book to wanting to write a book.

I went from wanting a pat on the back for penning a novel to deeply and irrevocably desiring to craft a piece of writing from my imagination. There is a very, very big difference between the two, and it is one that is hard to admit.

My education has become obsession. I returned home from my final trip of the year at the end of November and I’ve spent every day curled by the fire reading, writing, and brainstorming. My Love sits with me for hours a day as we talk about the motivations/desires/traits/conflicts for my characters. We mull over the most whimsical, surreal settings we can think of. And in all of this, I have the most spectacular revelation:

I CAN DO ANYTHING, as long as I do it well.

I can make anything happen to my characters, create any type of setting, give any motivation and write however my imagination tells me to…as long as it is done with integrity and craft. That is the most liberating thing to discover.

And the funny thing is, I discovered that a long time ago. When I took my first picture I had spent the week learning how to craft my imagination. When I uploaded it, I heard from people who connected to it, who understood it, who felt understood by it. I already knew what it was like to stare into the unknown, but to do so with heart and integrity.

I had forgotten.

My friends, this is the most beautiful journey. It doesn’t matter what you ambition is. Pursue your passion, and pursue it well. 

Share two things with me: 1) What are you a student of? 2) What object would you turn into a Horcrux?

Post Script!

Here are my favorite books from this year:

1. MYST by Rand and Robyn Miller, for the world-building. I still think about it on a weekly basis and wish I could exist in those books. (It is a trilogy).
2. SABRIEL by Garth Nix, because it came the closest to my own sense of storytelling and prose. (Also a trilogy).
3. STRUCTURING YOUR NOVEL by KM Weiland, which was the most helpful novel-writing book I read.
4. AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman, which is quite a tome and mixes mythology with the mundane beautifully.
5. HARRY POTTER by JK Rowling, which I had read as a child as well but DANG, that woman can WRITE. Period. (I devoured the whole series).

In a league of its own, however, is THE FIFTH SEASON by N.K. Jemisin. WOW.

There was a time when I started photography that I thought I would be taking the exact same pictures forever. When I picked up my camera for the first time and made something, without anyone telling me what to do or how to do it, I felt free. I felt like I had expressed my truest voice, and it was there in physical form for anyone to see. I put it online. I shared it with co-workers and family and friends. I was proud. Not a day went by that I didn’t feel like I was creating what was true to me. During those first few months I began to receive emails telling me how awful my pictures were; it was only fuel to my fire. I thought that made it so much more interesting and fun, to have differing ideas of what “good art” really was. But then something happened. My art didn’t change, and the feedback didn’t change (good or bad), and my love of art didn’t change – I changed.

I let my art change with me. I started thinking more deeply about why I create and what I wanted to say. I began introducing color into my wardrobe, symbolism into my props, and more robust locations into my work. I was ready for change and I let that reflect in what I created. It wasn’t the first time someone didn’t like what I did, but it was the first time someone who had previously enjoyed my work no longer did, and wanted to let me know.

This is the crazy thing about creating: we start creating for ourselves, because we are the only motivation in the beginning to create at all. But then we share that work and the pressures of other people creep in. Will they like this? Will they give me motivation to create again?

Suddenly there is a huge emphasis put on THEY, when in fact your passion started out as simply YOU, and the sometimes elusive I. Will I like this? Can I motivate myself to create again?

My work has changed three major times over the course of 7 years. It started out quite dark, monotone, indoor locations, no props, and often nude or in a bed sheet. It transitioned into simple yet slightly more colorful works that often took place in nature, yet were still quite dark. And then it transitioned again into a fascination with fairytales and creating characters to portray in the works. These have been the 3 directions in my work, and I love each of them.

I am currently creating my 4th style.

I have let the infamous THEY slither into my mind on too many occasions. I find it embarrassing to admit, but I wonder if everyone feels that way, and so I say it out loud. I have had internal struggle with wanting to produce something of value, while also wanting to produce something that can be immediately digested and spit back out by the collective internet. This is the plight of shoot-edit-release; I want it done quickly, I want feedback immediately, and I want to move on to creating more positive affirmation.

We are addicted to opinions. We are obsessed with hearing what someone else thinks: of our clothes when we shop, of our decisions when we falter, of our art when we create. The number of questions to our friends and families, even near strangers on the internet, of how we live our lives and what we produce from them is staggering. It would seem that the only opinion that gets buried is our own. A thought appears and we second guess it. A desire wells up and we question it. For what? For whom?

Toward the end of 2015 I made a promise to myself. I would be creating fewer images with more meaning, taking my time in putting them together and releasing them at a gallery show. I would be creating for myself, in whatever way I want, with no regard for reception. I would create without apologies. I would create for myself.

I had to rediscover what that meant. I have created many images, and I could even argue that all of them fulfill a vital part of myself. But sometimes it isn’t enough to create an image for yourself and then immediately give it away. I wanted to keep hold of what makes it mine; I wanted to revel in that process, and not cut it’s life short.

It is a terrifying thing, to create in one way and suddenly change the way you work. It is even more scary, if I am being wholly honest, to not only change how you work and question how it will be received, but to change how you share and risk your community forgetting about you. If we are being real, that is my fear. I am in love with this community and I fear it will disappear if I do not create new works of art every week, militantly.

This is a risk I am willing to take. I create art for myself and for others, but for now, it needs to be on my own terms. I must create with the heart I have developed and the mind I have questioned on many occasions. I am ready to dive in to my new style. I am ready to manifest a new vision. I am ready.

I will never tell you to be unafraid in the face of change. It is scary, and it does look like a black hole. But you’ll find that when you get close enough to that change you have been so fearing, time stands still. The world exists for you to create. I was told recently at a dinner that, though I could not yet understand, being 12 years too young, when a person turns 40 they stop caring, intuitively, about all of the mess of lies that the world spins – vanity, jealousy, etc. I decided that, while it was a nice sentiment, and certainly true for some people, I didn’t need to wait that long. I could change whenever I felt the need. And I feel the need now, to let go of how my art is received; to let go of how I am perceived; to let go of my fears, doubts, and nightmares.

Create how YOU would create, not how THEY would have you create. Share YOUR opinions and do not let THEIRS interfere. Tell YOUR story, or the stories of the world in your way, instead of telling your story in a way that would make THEM more comfortable. Make someone uncomfortable. Make yourself uncomfortable. Challenge what you do and question if you are truly on the path that ignites your world. Set it ablaze. Write love notes on paper airplanes – leave caution to the wind.

Long story short, I absolutely hate the gratification of busy-ness. But what I do love is pursuing my passion as forcefully as I can without over-doing it. And so that brings me to this cross-roads in my life right now. I was working myself as hard as I could while staying healthy, following my dreams and passions, yet all the while I was letting people down. I would miss emails (and not just a few), and I would mismanage my calendar, and fail to print my images on time…and so on…(yes, the list is long). The fact is, I’m not going to be good at everything. And I realized that if I slowed down enough to manage the business that I had going to perfection, I would have an extreme lack of time to do what fulfilled me.

At the start of this year I was thinking all of these things to myself. I’ve wanted an employee for a long time but could never justify it…that is, until I realized that I could either spend more time doing what I’m not fond of doing, or I could hire someone who enjoys those things and focus on what I do love. With a little help I could focus more on what I love, and turn that into an even bigger business. So at the start of this year, when one of my best friends was visiting, we had a revelation.

She wanted to move. She wanted a new job. I had just settled in a new town and needed an employee. Despite being best friends for the last 12 years, we had only lived in the same town for 2 of those years. And, crazy enough, she was visiting me in order to assist at a retreat I was hosting. The pieces were there, and we discussed the possibility of her moving out to where I live to assist me. A huge life change. Just one of many we’ve talked about over the years. And I didn’t get my hopes up, because asking my best friend and her husband to move across the country to come work for me is ridiculous.

Or is it? She thought about it seriously. He seemed interested.

And then, just a few short months later, the decision was made. She packed up her apartment and made the move. It is perfect for both of us. It allows us to both do more jobs that we love, and to spend time together, and well..to just be happy. Because what greater gift is there in life than happiness? And we can give that to ourselves.

So after 12 years of her being forced to hear lectures from me about just doing what makes you happy regardless of how difficult it seems, we both listened and we both moved forward together. And I can finally say, after 4 years of this crazy business moving forward, I’ve made another step toward my happiness and fulfillment. Please welcome Kelly, my new assistant and life long friend, who will be helping with everything from emails to workshops and beyond. She is incredible, and I say that wholeheartedly, as she is one of the people I most admire in the world, and I hope you will as well.

What is the most important thing you’ve done for your business?

All of these things make me bubble with excitement. But then there is one thing that weighs heavily on my mind, and that is a change that I’m quite sad about. I can see the silver lining, and I’ll be posting about why later this year, but for now, I want to speak about the darker side.

My very first convention that I ever spoke at was After Dark. I was invited into the family with open arms and was allowed to be completely myself, no matter what. Ever since then I’ve been an advocate of what they do there, and am proud to say that I have become a part of that process and team. I feel so loved when I attend. I try to love on as many people as possible. It is one big lovely love fest.

But at the end of March, the last After Dark will take place. It is like seeing a part of my heart wash away, but at the same time, I know that things must change. If it weren’t for the extreme kindness of the family of After Dark, especially Dave Junion, I might not have found my voice. I knew that I had something to say, but I didn’t know where to say it. AD has become my home away from home, and I will miss it terribly.

I think that we all have something like that in our lives, be it a person or a place or a thing…something that makes us feel accepted, or welcomed, or just like we can be ourselves. That is After Dark to me, and even though it won’t live on past this final convention, I will take what I have gained from it and apply it to everything that I do. I will move forward with a passionate intensity that makes me feel good about being myself. I will spread the love that I learned there to everyone in my path. And I will make sure that AD doesn’t ever fully go away, as I know so many people will do, because we will take what we learned and allow that to guide us in the future.

I sincerely hope that you’ll join me for this last After Dark. I will be giving it my all when I’m there. I’m not going to be fancy. I’m not going to do backflips and tricks (except that one levitation class…). I’m just going to teach from my soul and give all that I can.

THE CONTEST:

Dave said that I could give away a free pass to After Dark running from March 30-April 2 in St. Louis, MO. If you would like to join us, please leave a comment with one paragraph about how you think that this experience will help your future. We’ll be picking one winner to join us!

Deadline is February 16th at 11PM PST.

Do you have something in your life like this? Something that makes you feel like you are okay to be yourself? A person, place, thing? Please do share, I love knowing what is near and dear to your heart.