Adapt, change, learn, grow…OR ELSE. That is what this July challenge is warning me every day. Today my alarm went off and I was perky, ready to start my hour drive to my location. I could hear it was raining, and when I checked the weather saw it would be worse where I was going. I love shooting in the rain, but my car doesn’t do well driving in it, so I opted for a safer location today. That meant I was up at 4am with no where to go for an hour, so I bided my time by thinking up a new concept, finishing off my emails, and making a to do list for the day. Of course I couldn’t stop myself from leaving early (I’m not good at waiting), so I found myself in the middle of no where in the dark with only the little bunnies to keep me company (which was plenty good for me). I am chronically early. It’s pretty bad.

A little bit of panic sets in when you’re a planner and you’ve got a plan and then something shatters it. I plan to the extreme. I’m really good at being spontaneous, as long as it is within my set parameters. Location: check. Photo idea: check. Spontaneous dip in freezing cold water? Check, as long as my plan has gone accordingly thus far. This morning I did my best not to panic, as I have done all month. I might not seem like it (or maybe I do, who can really judge how they come off to people?), but I tend to be a terrible mix of messy/disorganized and Type A planner. When I do something, I do it all the way. Unfortunately for my cleanliness, sometimes I don’t do it at all. All or nothing. I try to learn balance, but ‘black and white’ always catches up with me again.

So, when it’s 4am and you realize your grand plan isn’t going to work, how do you adapt? How do you change what you emblazoned in your mind? How do you quickly get far enough away from that idea to cultivate a new one?

That was my morning question which thankfully I’ve discovered ways of answering very quickly. I practice, every single day, new ways of being mindful and in tune with my inspiration. The more I touch what inspires me by setting my imagination on fire with it, the easier I can reach for ideas of what to create faster. I practice that. Every day.

Today was foggy and mysterious. It was gorgeous. I love the rain and the fog, so I am always in a battle: Do I live somewhere rainy for my art, or somewhere sunny for my happiness? Happiness always wins, and I live in a very sunny place, which is why I get so excited when it rains. We had a huge storm yesterday with a power outage for a couple hours. An excuse for me to read and slow down. I probably needed it. Today was wet and muddy and the birds were singing despite the damp. I felt right at home.

I sent everyone out on errands as I stood in the giant ballroom by myself. The lights were dimmed and the quiet was echoing in my mind. I walked slowly to my computer and put on my favorite song, and then looked up at the giant screens that projected my biggest fear and greatest accomplishment. As the music swirled I did too. The emptiness was astounding, and the melody filled the vast chamber with life. I walked to the middle of the room and stood under the skylights as the light bit of daylight crept through them, arching my back to look up several stories above my head.

As the chorus of the song kicked in I spun in a circle, my white cape twirling with me, and I smiled and cried at the same time, in awe of where I found myself in that moment. To retreat within and manifest that feeling outward – it was a release. All of the hardship that had come earlier (and oh, there was so much…so much) that day melted away. I was alone waiting to be filled; I was empty but receptive.

And then the doors opened, in what felt like hours instead of minutes, as my nerves crept back to me. I heard the first shy footsteps walking through the threshold and saw the first face looking back at me, recognizing that she was in the right place, and I ran toward her and embraced her in a hug so big. I didn’t want to let go. It’s like the Doctor says – hugs are good for when you don’t want someone to see your face. I had tears in my eyes but I wanted to be strong. I was scared but I wanted to seem fearless. And then, I let it all go.

I pulled back and looked each person in the face that came in after enveloping them in a big hug, and I let myself feel everything in those moments. I let myself cry with people and laugh with people and authentically find the connections I had been so desperately searching for. The Promoting Passion Convention started that evening, and as it did, I saw something that I had longed for my whole life – a room filled with people who had the same soul that I did. I was amongst the weird ones in the world, the ones who would, could and will change the world in their own unique ways. And I was part of that. I was home.

Over the next few days I experienced every emotion. I hardly ate and I hardly slept and I knew I should be doing better for myself but I couldn’t help but put everyone first. At night when I would lay next to my friend Kelly I would whisper, “I’m so worried for everyone, I hope they are okay – I hope they feel loved”. And she would reassure me and tell me that they did, and that I couldn’t do any more than what I was doing, and then I would calm down enough to sleep.

We spoke so much at the convention about our fears, and mine is, undoubtedly, letting people down. My heart wants so badly to love everyone and make sure they know they are loved, and that was one big reason why I felt so passionately about putting on the event. I wanted to love people. I wanted people to feel loved. Through love comes our greatest potential, and I certainly began to see mine through the misty fog that surrounded us.

When the convention began, the rain was heavy. A hurricane was coming and we were going to feel the outskirts of it. And so, on top of a tall mountain at the most beautiful retreat center, we lived inside a cloud for 4 days straight. We couldn’t see past the few buildings we were staying in. The air was constantly damp or raining, and we couldn’t see the forest for the trees. We learned so much together. We grew in unimaginable ways together. And on the final day, after we had said our goodbyes the night before, something incredible happened.

When I awoke the day after my convention the air hung heavy as it had previous days, but this time it turned pink. The sun was rising and we could see it for the first time. The clouds burned off and we witnessed the rolling mountains, the fog settling in between the trees, and the fire-streaked sky that woke us up and made us feel alive.

I can’t help but think of it as a metaphor. So many lives were touched that weekend. There was so much to be learned, to soak in, to work through. And by the time it was over, the sun had come up on our adventure. The clouds parted and we could see what we knew was there all along, yet that we could not find. And we all stood watching with the greatest expectations.

#promotingpassion2015

How often do you live in madness?

[Transcript of video] I was thinking about Alice in Wonderland and how they not only introduce, but unashamedly applaud crazy individuals. What if we lived in a world where that was also encouraged, where we could be as mad as we like and we were applauded for it. Well, the truth is, that we do live in that world, only it is a world of elitism. We don’t exactly applaud the mad adventures of creative people in all circumstances. It is easy to be labeled weird or strange or written off for prancing around in a nightgown in the middle of the center of Amsterdam (or is that just me?) because craziness without success is often labeled as sad. But if you are crazy, and you follow through with one of your mad plans, and it suddenly is successful either through fame or money, then you are suddenly not crazy at all, but instead you are a genius. And with that genius comes praise and acceptance and a shift of the status quo. The problem here is that many people, myself included, will have ideas that are crazy and will not succeed. We think big and we try our hardest yet still that plan doesn’t find legs, and we find ourselves back at square one. This is a natural phenomenon. This is human nature – to try and fail and try again. Yet with how easy it is to be influenced by social media and the opinions of others, how often do we really try again? How often can we say that we are making our dreams a reality through the repeated failure of said dream?

How often do we put money first, or our family’s security, or the protection of our good name in order to protect what is nice and easy and safe? How often do we blame other people for our dreams not panning out? And it is easy to do this! It is easy to say that it was so-and-so’s fault, that mean person online who told me to give up. But think back to when you were a child and your parent told you to go to bed, and you rebelliously said no. That child didn’t think twice about what was right or wrong, what was safest for him or her. No, no, you simply did what your heart wanted. Why do we lose that? We lose that sense of self because we are taught to abandon it for the betterment of everyone around us. So when Mr. or Mrs. Nobody online, who we do not know at all, tells us to quit for whatever reason they see fit, we tend to listen, because we have been taught to listen. And listen we should! But not to that person. When it comes to following your dream, it is not wise to listen to the naysayer or the person who wants us to be safe. It is important to listen to ourselves, because in our heart of hearts we know what is right and what is true. We know what makes us feel alive. And without that…if we let that slip away…we will be left with a sore heart, too full with dreams to let anything else in. And we go on with what makes us content and we fail one last time.

But what happens when we don’t. What happens when we try again, and we find new ideas to love, and we nourish those ideas until they are so big that we simply must act on them. They cannot be ignored. And they shouldn’t be, because an ignored dream can be felt by everyone around you, and it infects their minds just the same as it rots in your own. When you pursue that dream, you show the world around you that it is okay to be different, to be mad and strange and weird, and it is okay to believe in what makes your heart soar. You prove to yourself that you are worth it. And even further, you change the world by simply not giving up. It is true that people become successful in the eyes of the public because of wealth and status, but that does not make their idea any better or worthy of praise. Your idea, it is very likely, has merit of it’s own. But no one will ever know that if you don’t tell them. And you won’t tell them if you never believe in yourself enough to try.

The first little while went really well. The water was pretty clear and we were having a lot of fun. But then some boats started coming in and docking – not at our pier, as it was out of commission (I checked first!) but at a nearby pier. This caused the water to become quite choppy, and since we were near rocks, we decided to get our before it got worse. I swam while holding my camera in my huge ikelite housing and then navigated the slippery rocks out while helping my friends and continuously (per request from Kelly) checking for sea creatures underwater with my camera (I would shoot a few pics to see what we were surrounded by). I did see a couple – an octopus and an eel, but I certainly didn’t tell her that until later. Once we made it out we decided to get back in when the water calmed, and we shot a few more images before calling it a night and drinking a coconut.

Now I desperately want to go back to Hawaii. Oh, to re-live these experiences through photographs is something I do not take for granted, and I can only hope to better document my next adventure.

Model: Marsha Denill
Assistance: Kelly McGrady

Unless you can’t function at your optimal level because of it. Disorganization is something I have challenged head on this year. I redesigned my office so that everything has a place. I organized my email so that I answer them quickly instead of waiting sometimes months in between. I have list apps on my phone and desktop to keep me on task, and I have a nightly and morning routine that keeps me organized as well.

Those have been huge changes for me, and the results have been spectacular. I no longer panic about missing emails or wonder as I fall asleep what I need to accomplish in the morning, and those small changes have been really big for my well being. Just by having my emails caught up on and always having clear goals planned, I have decreased my stress. I have more free time, I worry less, and I enjoy working more.

Here are all of the changes I made. The video also shows my new office, and I included some “extras” (re: ridiculous) clips at the very end. Apologies for the focus issues in this video. I think I need glasses.

1. Wake up early. When I am up early, I feel an odd sense of pride, as though I have already accomplished my first mission. I am taking advantage of my most productive hours, no one else is awake then, and I have time to fall into a routine.

2. Drink water. This is another one of those things that makes me feel motivated and healthy. I drink 3 liters of water a day. I drink one of those liters before I do much else in the morning. It energizes me and allows me to feel accomplished.

3. Stretch & meditate. I do this each morning in the open air and it makes me feel invigorated and alive. My body hurts less throughout the day (the Fibromyalgia can really make my joints hurt) and I feel inspired by the time I sit down to work.

4. ToDoist. This is an app that I have for my desktop that allows me to write out, per category, what I need to get done and then check it off the list when I finish. It also has tons of other features I haven’t even tapped into yet. Absolutely adore this app to pieces.

5. Email organization. I have my email categorized into three main folders: My immediate folder. Anything I put in there needs to be dealt with within 24 hours. My pending folder, where emails that require follow-up go. And my assistant’s folder, where emails that deal mostly with scheduling go. If I hit inbox 0 for my personal immediate inbox everyday, I feel significantly less stressed and I sleep better. I try to do this in the morning before any other tasks so that I am still excited to complete the other things on my to do list.

6. Happiness & resolution documents. I keep two text files on my desktop. One says “Happiness” and the other says “Resolutions”. The happiness document lists all of the things that makes me feel healthy and happy on a regular basis so that I can always check in on it to make sure I am doing what makes me feel good. My resolutions document simply lists all of the things I want to accomplish this year. It is always in sight and I can keep on track that way.

7. Inspirational quotes. The image on my desktop background is always rotating through inspirational quotes that I’ve downloaded in image form. Mostly from Winnie the Pooh and Alice in Wonderland, these quotes remind me all the time of who I want to be and inspire me to reach for more.

8. Hard drives. I keep my work backed up on two hard drives that are almost always at my computer plugged in. One I travel with and the other stays put. Because I have them out in the open, often plugged in, I never have to worry about finding a document because they are all, essentially, already on my computer waiting to be found. I organize my images based on folders of: YEAR — TITLE.

9. Uniform password. For my passwords on my computer and social sites, I have a root word for my password. Take LANTERN, for example. And then I add on a signifying word to that for each website. Let’s say we are signing up for Flickr, you would write LANTERNFLICKR so that you never forget your password and so that they are always different. I have two base passwords – one that my assistant and husband know, and one that is for personal use only.

10. Colornote. On my phone, just as I do with ToDoist on my desktop, I use a to-do list app. This allows me to write out a checklist or text document that I can later transfer to ToDoist if I am traveling.

11. Inspiring workspace. I have never had a space of my own that I have found inspirational, so this year I redecorated. I got new desks, a filing cabinet, and I even decorated my walls. I filled my office with props that I have used in photo shoots and hung my work on my walls (other artists coming soon). Everywhere I look there is a touch of something personal and special, and it makes me feel excited to sit down to work every day.

You can check out the video for what my new office looks like.

How do you keep organized? Any special tips that make you feel extra healthy, productive, or motivated?

Creatively, I watch my own back. I create what I want to create, when I want to create it. And I don’t mean for that to sound selfish, but simply factual and smart. I say “smart” not because I think I’m some genius, but because the only reaction to our art that we can rely on is our own. If no one were watching, it would be all that matters. And so I create under that pretense – that I must love my art first, and then hope that it is embraced by others in some way.

“Yes!” I exclaimed. “Time to do something new.”

And so I set out in my imagination to conjure something up I had never thought of before. A technique, an idea, a location…anything.

My mind wandered to an image that I had half-heartedly pressed before, but not truly delved into. I wanted to make it look like I was coming out of a thick fog, or another dimension. Something between the two, as I would later tell my husband. He and I talked it through – how it could be created – and then I continued working on the why.

If you know me, you know I am a stickler for the why. I don’t care how neat a technique is to try if I don’t know why I’m creating. The why came simply: I wanted to create a wall between worlds, to literally step through from one side to the other. I also liked the idea of being sucked back into the world I was trying to emerge from. All of this intention informed how I would pose.

I photographed my body in a kiddie pool that I purchased for the shoot. I rigged my camera on my balcony so that I could shoot with some distance. I sunk black fabric in the pool so that the background would be dark, and then I poured soy milk in the pool for a murky effect. It didn’t take much soy milk, and soon the pool was murky and dark at the same time.

I knew I would be photographing a forest as the eventual backdrop, which is already very dark, so I thought that the murky background of darkness from the pool would transfer well to the forest.

It was important that I photograph myself in water to create believable water lines on my body. It is one thing to blur and obscure fabric and skin behind a wall of fog, but quite another to recreate water lines (or in this case, “other dimension/fog” lines) on skin especially. So I photographed myself in the pool and then made sure to photograph the forest from the same angle. The two images blended nicely, and I sampled the murky color to paint over the forest as well.

With different blending techniques and some cutting my body started to blend into the forest. After some shading, it seemed complete. I wanted the color palette to be simple and striking, so I chose to stick with red and blue as the main colors in the image. Texture only in the background helped to give the fog some grit that I felt made it more believable, and then I was finished.

All in all, this image took me…

3 hours of planning
2 hours of setup
1 hour of shooting
12 hours of editing

…And I had a blast! I hope that you enjoy the finished product, and that, if nothing else, you are inspired to try something new and see where it leads you!

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