One of my friends, Heather, recently wrote to me “I see you as you are, soft and strong…” and those words really hit me. Soft and strong – how is that possible? I have often believed that to be soft is to be weak. I have massive issues in showing vulnerability to people I feel I should show command in front of. The problem is, I wrongly always see myself in a place of command, authority, and responsibility.

Over the years I’ve struggled tremendously with anxiety. Most specifically social anxiety, but it extends everywhere. From canceling tea dates with friends to refusing to attend entire events, I have too often let my anxiety cripple me.

But then again, I’ve also flourished in it. I realized early on where I fly and where I fall. I crave control, so if I am on a stage, I flourish. I know people are there to see me, so I take the control I was given and can seriously command a stage. But if I take on the role of my “normal” self, not the elevated person that people sometimes see, I flounder. A lunch with friends, a party…I shut down. I cancel, I won’t attend, or I try and I end up outside in tears.

All my life I looked upon softness as a defect. Push through, do what you have to. Don’t let others see your weakness. I know that were I in a room today with you, I’d still put that mask on. I know I’m not past it.

But I want to be. Many of us here are creative individuals – perhaps artists for a living or for a passion. We are largely drawn to that life because we feel deeply. I know that I feel deeply. But I find those deep feelings a very personal experience. I shudder at sharing it with others.

But I want to be, as Heather said, soft and strong at the same time. I want to learn how to be both, better.

I felt it was important to write this down here so that you know you’re not alone. If there is one thing I’ve always believed, it’s that if I feel something, I know someone else does, too. It also felt important to write this here because:

It is okay to be proud of yourself and still have moments of weakness.

It is okay to be confident yet still unsure.

It is okay to command a stage but flee from a party.

It is okay to be brilliantly yourself, even if that means you have mental illness.

It is okay. However you are is okay. I revel in myself today, all of my oddities and contradictions. They are what make me complex. And yes, that I know – I am wildly complex. Take ownership of that beautiful fact, because you are, too.

Today’s honest and vulnerable #FailureFriday comes from a story I wanted to share. Some of you may of seen it on my Instagram story last Sunday. As many of you know I have anxiety, particularly social anxiety. It causes me grief sometimes, but I have been proud of how well I keep it under control most of the time. Last Saturday night I let it overcome me, and I had a rough Sunday morning.

I was in Palm Springs for the incredible Palm Springs Photo Festival. My hotel reservation was messed up and I found myself driving aimlessly around the street of Palm Springs until midnight on Saturday wondering where to stay. It all got worked out, but it started my anxiety up. I felt out of place and vulnerable and overtired, and I started to fall apart. By Sunday morning I felt somewhat better, so I decided to drive around and find some vintage stores. Every small thing started triggering me: talking to the shop owner, shifting through a group of people, even the thought of going to a restaurant.

I knew I had to do something about it.

I pulled my car over in a neighborhood and tried to calm myself. I thought very deeply about what would make me feel better. Two things: creating and community. The foundation on which Promoting Passion is built on. It was natural.

For anyone who suffers from anxiety or depression or something similar, you know how difficult it is to push yourself to do something in that state. I decided I needed accountability. I turned on my Instagram story and started talking – about my anxiety, about how out of place I felt, about my nerves regarding the festival and how I was by far the least experienced instructor there. It made me feel less alone.

Next came the creating part. I saw some rocks and wanted to create something there, so I turned on my Instagram live story and recorded the process live, intermittently running back and forth with the phone from my camera to the rocks to create an image, while also talking about my feelings/emotions.

When it ended, I started getting messages from my community staying THANK YOU for sharing. Saying THANK YOU for being honest. Saying THANK YOU for giving me permission to feel.

I felt like such a failure that day. I felt like I would never be good enough, like I would never fit in. And while I didn’t manage to make it to the faculty dinners or “shmooze”  with the “right” people (good grief, how is that even a THING?!), I did do my damn best at teaching my class, and I took my students to eat, and I went to lectures, and I fufilled myself with yoga and spontaneous moments and hugs like you wouldn’t believe.

I never anticipated that my anxiety could be something good. You never do when you are in the throes of it. But there I was, shaking from nerves, trying to breathe deeply, and someone was there, watching, and thanking me. It proves that though we may see ourselves as failures – we may feel out of place and low and sinking further – that is the very thing that connects all of us beautiful creatures. That is the depth of our soul. It is joyous and it is deep. It is melancholy and it is bliss.

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Image created during my workshop at PSPF when one of the attendees asked me to demonstrate a self-portrait.