Major breakthrough time.
Which means major letting go,
coming to terms,
etc.

Lindsay Adler must be my soulmate, because she has this freaky tendency to reach out to me at pivotal moments. I had just finished yoga and was sitting back down to write when I see a text from her. It simply said:

“How are you? Something made me think I should call you or text.”

I responded quickly, flippantly almost, saying that I’m good. And then, before pressing send, I added this:

“Just doing lots of writing and trying not to worry that I’m solidly not doing anything that makes money.”

Casual.

Writing those words opened up a can of worms in my brain. I hadn’t really said that out loud until that point. I knew I was making a big shift in my business/career, I had discussed pay decreases with my husband, but I hadn’t really acknowledged that the fear I feel with my new creative endeavors is rooted in money.

I know, I know. Money is just NOT COOL to talk about when you’re an “artist”.

Whatever.

It’s a fact and a stress and it is necessary. So be it.

Our ideas of success are wrapped up in it. Our confidence is wrapped up in it. Sometimes, even our reputations.

Let me be clear about some things. My business makes money in multifaceted ways, from teaching and motivational speaking to print sales and licensing, and more. I’ve always excelled at diversifying and branding. But, for the first time since starting photography, I mentally ditched that. Even though I still have revenue streams, even though I’m doing fine, I stopped associating with money.

The last time I did this was 9 years ago when I started photography. I was fresh out of college, 21 years old, and just starting photography. I knew I had to make money, but I never considered that photography would be the way to do that. It was fun and exciting and I didn’t put any expectation on that.

Photography grew to be my career, unexpectedly.

And now, 11 years later, and nearly 10 years after starting my business, and 7.5 years since learning to rely on it for money, I’m slowing it down. I’m pursuing writing, and it feels just like before – when I started photography…

…with one main difference. I make a living for myself now. Back then I was fresh out of college and had no house, no income expectations. This time I do. I’ve taught myself, as we do when we become adults, to rely on ourselves to make money. We learn to measure our success in our bank accounts.

I’m not trying to say that I have lost any joy in photography or teaching, or that I personally put my confidence and success in money, but that it is tied together even when we don’t realize it. I’m just ready for change.

I’m overjoyed about dissociating my passion from my income. It means that I’m back to passionate basics. I’m doing something because I HAVE TO. Because my soul is pushing me to do it. Because I feel a calling to write this book.

If I am ever to do it right, I can’t let money be a thought, or success, or reputation.

None of that matters in passion.

What matters is that I put aside my former expectations and learn a new way of living, one that does the deed no matter what. Just like I did with photography, and just like I will do with writing.

One day I will tell the story of how I put all else aside – my fears, insecurities, doubts, and expectation – to write the novel of my dreams. It will be a beautiful story to tell.

So, Lindsay, to answer your question…

I’m doing freaking fantastic. I really am. Thanks to you and your perfectly timed text, I’m finally feeling free.

You start to create despite people in your life telling you not to. You start to create despite that little voice telling you it won’t be good enough. You create because you are inspired, and it feels like the right thing to do.

You are good at what you do. You want to start a business. You worry about money. You worry about reputation. You worry about what people will think if you turn your passion into a career.

You have a career but the pressure is always on. Create something new. Create for your client. Create for yourself. But soon the pressure of creating takes the fun out of it.

So often, when someone starts a hobby or passion or career, these are the things that we worry about: being good enough, staying inspired, making money, looking good, losing it all.

Sometimes we spend so much time worrying about these things that we do lose it all. We forget why we were inspired to begin with and those feelings of passion are replaced with feelings of dread – not wanting to let anyone down, not wanting to let yourself down.

If I think about my hobby, which turned into my passion, which turned into my career…it is easy to think of the milestones which made me worry or cry or jump for joy. I remember struggling so much with money that I got a part time job as a personal assistant. I remember feeling guilt at how I was pursuing my dream but helping no one while I was doing it. I remember feeling like a fish so small I couldn’t possibly avoid the hungry mouths of the bigger fish. I remember feeling like I was someone, and wondering if someone else would take that away.

Over time our doubts ebb and flow. We have concerns and we step on them. We have fears and we confront them. But the one thing we will always have is an uphill battle, and that is a good thing. If we want to learn and grow and become the best version of ourselves, we will always be climbing that hill. And in my years of experience thus far, I have learned something very valuable:

The uphill battle is never just the money, or the reputation, or the competition. It is the hill itself, and willing yourself to climb even when life isn’t easy. It is the hill that never ends, the top reaching past the clouds, and you wonder when you will find relief. But if you learn to see the climb as a challenge and a gift, always teaching you, always nurturing you, you begin to nurture yourself. You adjust to breathing the air that high up, and your legs become stronger, and you push on.

And once you climb so high, you are above it all: the competition, the drama, the fear. Sure, there will be new battles all the time, but you will be better equipped to handle them as they come.

So if you are climbing that hill and you wonder if it will ever be worth it…if you feel stuck and out of breath and wonder if you should keep climbing: the answer is yes. Pursue your hobby or passion or career. Become yourself. Step into your life. Because all the concerns and aches and pains are worth the bliss of being who you are meant to be – unabashedly, proudly, and above all – inspired.

Model: Katie Johnson