How do you write about an experience so complex and impactful that the mention of it brings tears to your eyes? How should I explain a dream and a reality rolled into one, such that it gives weight to the significance of the dream and the dream of the reality? This year I hosted my third Promoting Passion convention. I named my blog after my favorite pairing of words – Passion, because it evokes a primal and I daresay sacred emotion within, one that perpetuates our need for meaning in our lives, and Promoting, because without this word the former becomes one-sided. If we don’t promote our passion, we lose the chance to inspire others through our craft – and life.

Promoting Passion is simple: gather creative individuals in one place to share a common idea, the idea that our lives are vastly different, but our emotions, our desires and our dreams are the same; that we can engage and encourage one another by example, and that instead of focusing on gear and technique we could focus on what really matters at the end of our lives, and that is how much we loved what we did with our time.

Promoting Passion is my home.

How many of you can say that you have experienced deep, meaningful, and lifelong relationships formed in the span of three days? How many of you can say that you actively, without boundaries or ties, give yourself over to growth? This is what 100+ of us did this year in the middle of a reddening forest in New York.

I ran frantically around Buffalo, NY in the days before, buying far too many supplies from Target and hoping that I was accurate in my assessment of things I needed for my attendees. I am a worrier by nature; I over-plan. I do not strive to under-promise and over-deliver. I over-promise and over-deliver. It is in my nature to be more and do more and make sure that I inspire others to be the same. I do not always succeed. But I do try, and in such a fashion I tried to create the best possible experience for my family of Creatives.

Things went wrong; they always do. And experiencing things going wrong is my way of growing, of being challenged, and of learning to be better than I was before. I remember the first year I hosted Promoting Passion – it was fall of 2015 and one of my speakers couldn’t come last minute. I had to figure out a plan overnight. I cried, I panicked, I shook, I collapsed in an unrecognizable version of myself. I was broken from the fear of letting people down. I felt barely able to manage myself.

Fast forward to this year, 2017, when one of my speakers couldn’t make it last minute. I panicked for about one minute, and then composed myself. I breathed deeply (a lesson I learned from my yoga practice), and I experienced two simultaneous emotions: confidence, and peace. What will happen will happen, and without belief in my abilities the right solution will not form. So, I believed I could make everything better, and I did. I let myself be human. More than that, I let others see me that way.

It rained on our bonfire, but we played games until it stopped. Our projector broke three times, but we worked around it with grace. A model got stuck floating in a boat in the middle of a lake, so I swam out to get her. Almost simultaneously a woman fainted and another sprained her ankle, and a quick ambulance ride and urgent care drive later, everyone felt taken care of and loved.

Things go wrong – it is not in our power to stop them, but it is in our power to grow from them. To give love in those moments. To be human and embrace it.

And so many things went right. A seemingly endless array of beauty and light and magic danced in front of my eyes. My speakers showed up ready to give, and every single one of them went to every single workshop and lecture. They sat with attendees at breakfast, lunch and dinner. They stayed up late by the fire talking to those who needed them most. They gave like I have not seen people give before. And even I, who felt so unworthy of even writing that first email to these people I have admired more than anyone, got hugs – they talked to me in such an honest way – and declared us friends, declared that we are soul-connected and better for knowing each other.

Unworthiness. What an interesting human emotion. That we can be so filled with multitudes and so certain, at times, that we are filled with nothing. This duality plays at my heart too often than I like to admit. Promoting Passion is about eliminating that feeling, or accepting it. Which of the two I am uncertain of at times, but either way, it is necessary and beautiful.

I called Vivienne Gucwa, one of my immediate soul-friends, to fill in at PPC this year. She came with a gorgeous story about her current artistic transformation and shared her willingness to shift. I worriedly hit send on an email to Ryan Muirhead, fearing his genius (as silly as that sounds), and he broke the room down into tears with his story of raw, honest human emotion. What drives us to create? Our very being, and all the mess that comes with that. I called upon Jesh De Rox to speak about connection, and I was moved to laughter and tears as he shared about the ways in which we find connection to our work, to others, and beyond.

My friend Dracorubio came to teach Photoshop, but under the technique was the idea that you can create anything if you can dream it. My heart Joel Robison did what he does best – shared himself, in his beautiful, bashful, open way. He showed how he works, how he thinks, and most importantly, how he gives…with his whole self, in ways that touched every single person there. Jessica Drossin came out to show us how you can build a life for yourself out of the vision of the world you are attracted to, and in doing so created some of the most beautiful images I have ever seen. Mindy McGinnis, a writer who I created book cover art for, came and gave us the deepest insights into how we experience imagery, symbolism, and how that relates to the world. Her way of seeing is significant and remarkable (in the truest sense of that word).

And finally, perhaps the most emotional and humorous part of Promoting Passion, was having Jeremie Saunders share his time with us – which, if you know anything about him, is limited. He shared how he lives with Cystic Fibrosis, how his life expectancy when we was growing up was 30 years of age, and how he is now 29.7 years old. He showed us how precious life is, how none of us know how much time we have, and how the combination of humor and passion can create a life worth living. What’s more is that he modeled for attendees, had important conversations, and even jumped into the pool with me so I could photograph him.

These humans are the most giving I have encountered, the most good-natured, the most concerned about making sure others are living their best lives – and that is not just a phrase or a silly motivational quote, that is their life’s dedication. That is their soul.

And, I think I can finally say, without looking down at myself, that it is also my mission. That my life is dedicated to giving other people the best lives possible.

My time is always so short at Promoting Passion – how do you give over 100 people your undivided attention in the span of three days to have conversations that are meaningful and intense? On the last night I finally got to let my guard down and not worry about everyone and everything, and I talked to so many people with so many stories. I met a new friend who had a quote of mine tattooed on his arm. I have my favorite writer’s quote tattooed on mine, and it was really moving to see that something I said could move someone that much.

There were many people who touched me, many people who showed their souls where often they put up walls, and they were gorgeous, and unrefined, and honest.

On that last night I got to speak to someone who I wanted to set aside proper time to talk to, someone who I had been conversing with for the last few months. After the lectures ended and I spent over an hour in a sea of people hugging each person closely, I snuck away to sit with this friend who I had wanted to spend time with. He and I had never had a proper conversation before in person. Immediately he started sharing a story with me, tears running down his face, holding my hands. He told me of a time when he tried to end his life, and how close he came to succeeding, and how, just at that moment, an image of mine flashed in front of his eyes and he felt connected.

And he didn’t jump.

And there we sat, one year after, at Promoting Passion. Our hands locked in each others, both of us crying the most sincere, life-changing tears; both of us needing the other in a profound way. And there we sat, embracing, until suddenly, we each had what we had come for. We felt released. And then we laughed, and smiled at each other, and I knew that something transpired between us that I could never properly describe.

Here is my message to you, my friends who maybe I have never met: There is hope in connection, there is soul in art, there is beauty in sadness and there is life in each of us that means more than we know. I share these experiences with you because my life is dedicated to the promoting of passion so that we may all be uplifted by the example of those who pursue what they love.

Life is too short not to.

Please allow me to thank our sponsors very publicly and widely for their contributions to Promoting Passion this year. Without their support I could not have created this event, and it is because of them that I grow in confidence every year that we are doing amazing things for our community.

WHCC
SONY
XRITE
FUNDY
ZEISS

The incomparable KIM WINEY took all of these incredible images in the span of 3 days. She is an amazing photographer/artist and friend, and I highly recommend you take a moment to give her some love for the beauty she brings into the world. She is based in PA and is hirable for her gorgeous photography services.

Oh my friends, it has been a wild journey this year. And perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to let go. To let go of what holds you back, makes you feel scared, or tells you that you can’t achieve what your greatest hopes are. If we feel those negative feelings, if we feel held back, it is so often because we ourselves will not let go of what makes us feel safe. In a span of one week, between an experience I had in Chicago and hosting my Promoting Passion Convention, I had that epiphany. I realized that I could blame others for failures or, even, a lack of success, or I could own up to my shortcomings. Good things come most reliably when you change. Moving the thing that was blocking goodness from coming in is the way to move forward. And so I decided to remove that blockage.

A couple weeks ago, on the last night of PPC, I gave a closing statement to everyone gathered in our room. I recapped what we had talked about, and the ways in which we had grown together as a group. And then I made my final point, the thing that I felt that PPC was hinged on: Letting go. And so I did. I called for a pair of scissors, and in that moment, I hacked half of my hair off in front of everyone – a gesture, an invitation, for everyone to let go of something that holds them back.

Have you any idea how silly I am for caring so much about my hair? Chances are, you get it! It is just one of many things that we hold tight as something that defines us. Do you know that when I asked around if I should cut my hair, the number one response was “No, what about your pictures!”. Can you even believe that I listened to that horrible advice? “Yes,” I thought, “what about my pictures!”. And so I held on to my hair for the last six months. Until I had a revelation:

What kind of artist am I if the success of my images resides in my hair?

I’ve noticed something fantastic since I chopped my hair off, too. And that is this: When I allowed myself to release one burden, many more fell away. I no longer felt trapped by who I am as an artist, I felt the freedom to grow and change as I wanted, and I felt emboldened to share more of my true self with those around me. Vulnerability comes with letting go, and with that vulnerability comes strength. I would rather be a stronger person because of being more raw and true, rather than building a casing around myself that no one can crack. There are two ways to fight a war.

I am going to be a bit quiet over the next three weeks as I travel. I have videos prepared for you but likely no way of pressing upload on them as I’ll be traveling between India, Cambodia, and Thailand with limited internet access. And I’m going to soak in every bit of it. I’ll update you when I can, and will share lots of videos when I return!

And for an update right now…I’m going to open THE LIGHT SPACE! Thank you all so much for supporting this project through and through. The Light Space is a photography school for survivors of human trafficking in Kolkata, India and thanks to your support, we finally have enough donations (monetary and equipment) to open the school and get things running. The Light Space is in partnership with Blossomy and New Light India, and my dear friend Amy Parrish will be teaching the first semester along with local guest instructors.

And did I mention I’m going jungle exploring in Cambodia/Thailand with Lindsay Adler? I’m still waiting to see if she brings hiking shoes instead of heals! Just kidding…mostly.

All my love during this grand adventure!

And a question…

What are you willing to let go of?

In it’s infancy the whole idea felt distant and therefore attainable. As any big idea looks from far away, it appeared small and manageable. Something happens once you give an idea momentum – it gets closer, and looks bigger, until you suddenly realize you might not be able to pick it up by yourself. Such was the case with the Promoting Passion Convention. It was so simple to say that I wanted to create an event, but so difficult to pick that event up and take it where it needed to go by myself. So I got help.

First with Christine Heidel to help me secure a location, and then from Kate Hailey to help me find sponsors. After that, it was just me and Kelly working every day to make it come together.

There were three distinct times when I almost cancelled the convention altogether. The first time was before I announced it publicly. I was having a hard time finding sponsors to support a smaller, first-time event. I was having trouble communicating with the location. And I had nerves about getting anyone to show up. So just before I announced it online, I thought about canceling it and waiting until I had all of the sponsors in place so that I didn’t have to worry about money. The second time I almost canceled the convention was the day I announced it. Logically I knew it would take time for people to sign up, but in my imagination I was hoping for a massive success and that people would be beating down the door to sign up. When registration felt like crickets chirping, I panicked. I came much closer to actually shutting it down that very day that I announced it. The third time I nearly canceled was one month before it was set to begin. I didn’t have enough sign-ups to cover my costs and I was really worried about how much I might have to pay out of pocket.

The excuses I made are riddled with two attributes that I, as a general rule, don’t feed. And yet, in this case, I fed those traits everyday, with the most fattening food I could. Those traits were greed and shame. By canceling the event because I wasn’t making money, or because I’d have to spend my own money to make it happen, was just plain greedy. Perhaps I thought there was some rulebook saying that in order for something to be successful it must also be a monetary success. This has never been true and will never be true. The act of doing the thing is the success, and anything else is extra. The shame came from not wanting to look silly in front of everyone. I kept envisioning showing up and having there only be a few people at the event and feeling embarrassed that I couldn’t pull more people in.

But I realized that none of these things would be true. Success is not measured by money, and shame is something that can only seem a reality if you manifest it outside of yourself. The moment I act ashamed is the moment others can see my shame. The moment I cancel the event is the moment I draw attention to my own fears. So I turned my thoughts around entirely. I remember very distinctly writing down five reasons why no matter who came to the convention, it would be okay:

1. There will be a better sense of community with a smaller group.

2. There will be more 1-1 time and individual attention.

3. There is more room for audience participation.

4. The speakers can be more personal and interactive.

5. The attendees will have a better experience to spread the word for next year.

The moment I wrote out those five bullet points, I felt calmed. Sometimes all it takes is seeing the other side of a situation to silence your inner demons. And when I did, I was healed. We didn’t end up filling our seats to capacity, but when all was said and done we were only 10 people shy of that, and I found that to be a success. Because you see, no matter what the situation ends up being, there is always success to be found in the smallest triumphs and the biggest failures. There is goodness in all things if we choose to see it. There is a way to give thanks and a way to let it crumble, and I would rather be thankful, always.

I wanted to share very openly about my struggle in putting the event together, as I did throughout the convention itself, because we are not alone. I realized, as I stood on stage for the first time at my very first convention, that it would be easy for me to look out at a room of 100+ people and act like it was no big deal putting it all together. But that is the lie we tell ourselves. That is the lie we perceive about others. I thought that I must have looked so professional up there, lights blaring down on me, as I looked out at the amazing individuals who came out to support the event. But that is the lie, and this is the truth:

We are all scared.

And being scared should not stop us from realizing our greatest potential. It should not stop us from pursuing our greatest dreams. The moment it does is the moment fear takes over and quiets the voice inside that shouts at us to be more. It is that voice, coming from within, that should be listened to, never the voices from outside telling you all of the reasons why you will fail. They are cocky, overloaded, booming voices that speak from a place of hatred and never love.

In the midst of the convention, people started asking if I would be hosting another one next year, and I found myself automatically saying yes. The environment was so encouraging and loving that there was no space for that negative voice to be nurtured, and so I answered as my most loving self. I said yes. And in that moment I realized that I had missed something on my list of reasons why the convention would be a success, no matter what.

Someone would be deeply touched, no matter how many people showed up.

And that person, along with so many attendees, was me.

I sent everyone out on errands as I stood in the giant ballroom by myself. The lights were dimmed and the quiet was echoing in my mind. I walked slowly to my computer and put on my favorite song, and then looked up at the giant screens that projected my biggest fear and greatest accomplishment. As the music swirled I did too. The emptiness was astounding, and the melody filled the vast chamber with life. I walked to the middle of the room and stood under the skylights as the light bit of daylight crept through them, arching my back to look up several stories above my head.

As the chorus of the song kicked in I spun in a circle, my white cape twirling with me, and I smiled and cried at the same time, in awe of where I found myself in that moment. To retreat within and manifest that feeling outward – it was a release. All of the hardship that had come earlier (and oh, there was so much…so much) that day melted away. I was alone waiting to be filled; I was empty but receptive.

And then the doors opened, in what felt like hours instead of minutes, as my nerves crept back to me. I heard the first shy footsteps walking through the threshold and saw the first face looking back at me, recognizing that she was in the right place, and I ran toward her and embraced her in a hug so big. I didn’t want to let go. It’s like the Doctor says – hugs are good for when you don’t want someone to see your face. I had tears in my eyes but I wanted to be strong. I was scared but I wanted to seem fearless. And then, I let it all go.

I pulled back and looked each person in the face that came in after enveloping them in a big hug, and I let myself feel everything in those moments. I let myself cry with people and laugh with people and authentically find the connections I had been so desperately searching for. The Promoting Passion Convention started that evening, and as it did, I saw something that I had longed for my whole life – a room filled with people who had the same soul that I did. I was amongst the weird ones in the world, the ones who would, could and will change the world in their own unique ways. And I was part of that. I was home.

Over the next few days I experienced every emotion. I hardly ate and I hardly slept and I knew I should be doing better for myself but I couldn’t help but put everyone first. At night when I would lay next to my friend Kelly I would whisper, “I’m so worried for everyone, I hope they are okay – I hope they feel loved”. And she would reassure me and tell me that they did, and that I couldn’t do any more than what I was doing, and then I would calm down enough to sleep.

We spoke so much at the convention about our fears, and mine is, undoubtedly, letting people down. My heart wants so badly to love everyone and make sure they know they are loved, and that was one big reason why I felt so passionately about putting on the event. I wanted to love people. I wanted people to feel loved. Through love comes our greatest potential, and I certainly began to see mine through the misty fog that surrounded us.

When the convention began, the rain was heavy. A hurricane was coming and we were going to feel the outskirts of it. And so, on top of a tall mountain at the most beautiful retreat center, we lived inside a cloud for 4 days straight. We couldn’t see past the few buildings we were staying in. The air was constantly damp or raining, and we couldn’t see the forest for the trees. We learned so much together. We grew in unimaginable ways together. And on the final day, after we had said our goodbyes the night before, something incredible happened.

When I awoke the day after my convention the air hung heavy as it had previous days, but this time it turned pink. The sun was rising and we could see it for the first time. The clouds burned off and we witnessed the rolling mountains, the fog settling in between the trees, and the fire-streaked sky that woke us up and made us feel alive.

I can’t help but think of it as a metaphor. So many lives were touched that weekend. There was so much to be learned, to soak in, to work through. And by the time it was over, the sun had come up on our adventure. The clouds parted and we could see what we knew was there all along, yet that we could not find. And we all stood watching with the greatest expectations.

#promotingpassion2015