The STORY

A year ago I traveled to France to shoot in the most spectacular location I had ever seen. I got there, concepts planned, props in hand, and I shot all day long, for hours and hours straight. I took the images home, proud of what I had done, and yet I had no desire to edit them. The longer I waited the more I came to terms with the fact that I would never edit them. They had lost their magic. They weren’t as special as I thought they were. They were complicated and the lighting wasn’t right, and I felt really down about it. I could have edited them and I could have created something from what I had, but I knew that I was going to go back, and so I didn’t touch them.

A couple of months ago I did have the chance to go back. I went in with an idea but didn’t put too much pressure on myself to do what I had sketched out. Instead, I helped other people shoot throughout the day and contented myself with enjoying the moments I shared with my friends. At some point in the day someone found a dead bird. I went to the attic where the bird was resting and I sat with it for a long while. I pleaded with someone to let the bird stay where it was for a time. The truth was that I wasn’t finished with it. I have a very deep and sincere connection to animals and death, two things one wouldn’t normally pair together, and I am inspired by separately. But put together, I become overwhelmed with emotion – and inspiration.

I find beauty in death, light in darkness, and inspiration in the macabre. This is how it has always been. I embrace it. It makes me who I am. And so I found beauty and inspiration in that tiny bird and what it meant to me, in my life, at that time. To me, inspiration is how we most authentically manifest our truest self. It is why we create. I took that little bird with me throughout the day, carrying him as I looked for locations to create self-portraits, while coming up with a narrative for him, and for myself.

I challenged myself that day. I went into the chateau with ideas in mind that were safe and easy and would guarantee results from the shoot. But when it came time to shoot, I didn’t do what was safe or easy for me. I did several things that I almost never do, as a rule for myself. I shot directly at light sources. I shot in harsh light. I didn’t overcomplicate the work with a lot of Photoshop or heavy editing. I kept it simple, posed how I felt, and embraced the emotion of the day. It felt right. It felt respectful, in a way, for my little co-character. It was all perfect, no worries and massive inspiration. At the end of the day my friend asked if I had anything solid to take away from my shoot. I said I had no idea, and I didn’t…and I didn’t care. It felt wonderful to do what makes my heart soar, to try something new, and to connect with my deepest inspiration.

The TECHNIQUE

While shooting each of these images, I exposed for my skin tone. Because I was so often shooting at a light source, that meant that windows were blown out and the surroundings were bright in order to see detail in my skin and dress. I shot each image underexposed as well, so that everything but the light source fell into darkness. While putting the images together, I used a manual HDR type of stitching process, matching up the darkened window with the nicely exposed images and combining them.

In Photoshop, I spent a lot of time refining the light. In each image, I identified the light source, chose how soft I wanted the light to be and began to create softer light coming from those sources by adjusting my curves layer like this:

I added vignettes to each of the images to make the light stand our more.

I spent a good deal of time selectively changing colors. For example, in the image with the red floor, I had to selectively enhance the color of the floor. It was naturally orange/pink, so I made it a more uniform color and enhanced the darkness and saturation of the red tones. In others I selected the dress to change or enhance the color, and in others still I selected walls/doors to change colors.

To finish each image I softened them to give a more painterly look, since the light spoke to me as being like something from a classic painting.

The CONCEPT

When I found the bird, I wanted to create a small series that would honor his life while also speaking about the fragility of life and how heavy death can feel. The first image I created was the one where I’m standing next to the large feather. In it, I wanted to show how small we can feel around death, and how looming it can be. In a way, we shield ourselves from death so that we can experience life, but it is only when we accept our imminent demise that we can appreciate the impact our life can have.

The second image I created was the one laying down with the bird on the floor. I really pushed myself with this one and the lighting, but I felt it was important because that particular lighting spoke to me about fragility. It seemed so perfect, with the way it raked across the subject and bird, highlighting the shape and form of the lifeless pair. I wanted to pose like the bird, solemn and asleep, eternally or not, to embody the beauty in death.

The third image I went about creating was the white feather on my back. I posed in that space first sitting up and realized quickly that the light would not allow for such a pose, with it being so directional and harsh. That was when I decided to take a concept I had planned for a different room and try it out here. To show the weight of death (and life) was something that was important to me. Death weighs heavy on us all, whether it is thinking of our own or dealing with that of a loved one. All of these images speak to both instances.

The fourth image was taken in the room with the red floor and black dress. I wanted to dress in mourning, yet also like a blackbird – ominous and strong at the same time. Foreshadowing death perhaps, or mourning someone’s life, was what I was thinking of when creating this image. When I started editing I was thrilled with how stark of a contrast it presented in color and light, and I thought that appropriate in such a dark image.

The fifth picture was the one on the bed, looking up at the feather. To me, death feels like a dream – it is something we consider but cannot imagine, something we dream of but cannot feel, and something that is, often, better not to think on. I personally struggle with many dreams of death and darkness, and this felt an appropriate connection for me, visually, to the theme at hand.

The sixth picture was meaningful to me because of a memory I have. When my grandmother died I remember lying on a set of stairs, I couldn’t even say where now, and looking backward out the window, feeling the light on my face, and wondering if it was my grandmother touching my face. I saw these stairs and the light shining down and wanted to create an image in that fashion, looking toward the light with the little bird in my hands, as if offering him up to the light. All of these images deal with light and darkness in a literal and metaphoric way.

I hope that you can find something in one of the images that speaks to you.

She is filled with heaviness
like rain water sitting on a window sill,
cracked wood, fogged glass, unseen.

She is filled with heaviness
like autumn leaves under a long winter snow,
waiting for the melt to breathe again.

She is filled with heaviness
like a small dead bird filled with worms,
under the weight of a feather.

Share with me a series you’ve done, or a theme you are connected to.
Remember to never apologize for what makes you unique.
It is, indeed, what makes you so wonderful.

My first love was writing. After that it was filmmaking. And only after that was it photography. I thought, for the first few years of my career, that photography was my passion. But what if photography fades from my life? What if I suddenly find myself without a camera in my hand? Will that mean that I’ve lost my passion? I don’t believe so. Passion is deeper than the medium you create with, or the job you go to. It is the reason behind doing that thing that you’ve grown so accustomed to. And with that comes the willingness to change the way you manifest that thing. It is the why, the behind-the-scenes brain-work that lifts your life off the ground. It is your imagination fed. Passion can never be lost. It might hide, but it is never gone.

My passion is storytelling. It is making others see beauty in darkness. It is shedding light on those things which many people shy away from. My passion is not photography. My passion is sending messages.

If you are trying to find your passion, I suggest a few different methods to hone in on something. And you must promise me a few key things. First, you will try hard. And I mean really hard. Try so hard that it tires you out. Fail so often that you cry. It is better than never trying hard enough to find the soul of your soul. Learn every day. Never stop seeking knowledge. Believe that you have a passion. It might not be obvious, but then again, all of the best things lie “in secret, between the shadow and the soul”, as Pablo Neruda would put it (and was also part of my wedding vows).

1. Try Harder

Seriously. I mean, really. Try to find your passion. Try everything until something sticks. Motivate yourself. Search.

2. Learn More

Seek knowledge. Never believe it is a good time to stop learning. The more you know…

3. Define Your Strengths

If you know what you are naturally good at, you know how to begin finding your passion. Do what you’re good at. Do what makes you happiest, and go from there.

4. Join Meetups/Clubs

Find like-minded people to encourage you into a certain activity, hobby, passion, etc. The more people there are to make learning fun, the more likely you are to stick with a new project.

5. Ask WHY More Often

Question what it is about a certain thing that you like so much. I could easily say that Photography is my passion, when in fact, I don’t enjoy clicking a camera and going out on shoots nearly as much as I love the story behind why I’m creating. When you ask WHY, you know WHY.

6. Find Your Message

You have something to say that someone needs to hear. Guaranteed. Don’t argue with me.

7. Stop Making Assumptions

Never assume that you simply don’t have passion. The moment you allow that excuse to slip off of your lips you can rest assured you have gone off the deep end and you are almost certainly doomed to spend the rest of your life doing something that doesn’t fulfill you. That might be an exaggeration.

8. Believe in Imagination

One of the biggest problems that a lot of people have is not believing that they can dream big or that their imagination is worth as much as someone else’s. Passion requires imagination, not just to come up with what it is that you love, but to pursue it. Creativity is kind in a world where entrepreneurs and passion-go-getters are rewarded. So put stock in imagination. Believe you have enough of it to get in the game.

Model: Jen Brook

To put it simpler: They are beginnings. They are life. They are rebirth.

This end of another year does not symbolize the end of one thing as much as it does the beginning of another. And with all beginnings, it is best to start fresh with some introspection and self-love. It is best to move forward with yourself on your side, because too many of us play for another team. It is best to begin anew with dreams and hopes, and to put our losses to rest.

We have learned together and grown together. We have journeyed long and far and have discovered parts of ourselves we never knew existed. We challenged ourselves and pushed and pulled from others, and did our best to be the best, or at least the best we can hope for within ourselves. That is why I love you all. Accountability, friendship, and love.

I feel so fortunate to close this year out having learned about myself and about others. I have seriously redefined my goals in life. I am no longer satisfied with being a photographer. I want to make a real difference, and so a single word cannot capture what I hope to be. I want to be inspired by all things, naturally and beautifully, as it can be. I want to find my voice so that I may raise it up and stand for something bigger than my own vision. I want to give my imagination legs to stand on, and then wings to soar upon, that I may see the world from a cloud that I built with my own two hands.

As I looked back at this year, I found that the things I did, the “successes” and “failures”, were hardly a thought in my mind. I found it difficult to remember the traveling I did, or the pictures I created, so much as I could remember the lessons I learned while doing those things. Life is so often not about the things we do, but how we choose to look back on them. How they impact us in the future.

1. Give yourself a gift EVERY DAY.

   You are so much more worthy than you know. You are impactful and bright and you can change lives; the first life you should change is your own. Recognize your impact, your wants, your needs. Recognize your capacity for change, and then exact that change. Give yourself something every day that symbolizes that control you have over your world. Wake up to watch the sunrise. Treat yourself to a cookie. Write yourself a card and hide it. Go see a movie. Eat well. Smile at random. Count your successes, no matter how small. And above all, remember how worthy your own happiness is.

2. Forgive yourself before it is too late.

   We want to be better. We want to succeed. We want to push past our barriers. And sometimes, despite our best efforts, we simply do not manage everything we hope for. In those times, forgive yourself before it becomes too hard to do. I had my fair share of lazy days. Days when I watched TV all day. Days when I didn’t want to leave the house, or talk to anyone. Days when I felt inferior to other people, days when I didn’t think I could compete, and days when I just needed a rest. And I realized this year that it’s okay to not be the person you are aiming to be. Everyone needs to recharge and reset. It is okay to take a step back from that hustle and just exist. Forgive yourself now before guilt comes knocking. Let yourself be happy. Take breaks. Be free.

   3. You are a work-in-progress, yet you already possess the tools you  need.

   Two things happen all-too-often, perhaps due to our nature. One is that we constantly feel the need to be better, and the other is that we doubt our ability to do so. Remember this: no one expects you to be perfect. You are usually your own worst critic. Be okay with being something less than perfect – that is always more interesting anyway. Live through your flaws. Identify them. Try to grow. And remember, in the midst of those growing pains, that you do have the ability to fix yourself. You have all the tools you need. No one can give them to you. You simply have to search deeper.

   4. You have a gift to give the world – do not keep it to yourself.

   A great friend once told me, when I was refusing to release a picture about 5 years ago, that I have a gift to give the world and not sharing it was to keep that gift to myself. I rolled my eyes. I thought she was being ridiculous – after all, I’m not some crazy narcissistic person who thinks my art is so great. But you know what – she was right. And she wasn’t just talking about me. She was talking about everyone. Every single person has a gift to give the world. It might not be a gift for every single person, but consider this hugely important idea: When you give a piece of yourself, there is someone out there who needs to receive it, and they often will. You never know how you will positively impact someone’s life, so do not keep your gifts to yourself. They are too precious to be hidden away. Embrace them. Know your quirks. Reveal them. Share them openly. Be generous.

   We are cracked. We are flawed. We are full of power and energy that we cannot begin to know. We can only hope to search for it, to embrace pieces of it, and to use it to unlock our passion.

A full year ago I went surfing the Internet and found a sofa I liked. I was trying to decorate my house and went to Google to see what came up. When I tried to find where the sofa was from, I landed on a website in which the sofa was not for sale at all…but the house it was in was for rent. So I contacted the owners, who live in the south of France, and inquired about shooting in their castle.

They wrote back positively and I booked it on a whim, only to then have a panic attack when I realized I couldn’t pay for it. My thoughts were this: How am I going to afford a castle in France? How am I going to gather the courage to travel alone and shoot there? And so I decided that I would host a retreat, book the castle for an extra day, and live with the attendees for 4 days. Perfect, I thought. This will be perfect.

But, as with anything, you have fears and doubts. What will they be like? Will they understand my thirst for adventure? Will they enjoy what I have to say? And so I went with both excitement and fear, just the same as everyone attending. The first night we gathered I asked everyone intimate questions. I didn’t want the feeling of isolation to linger. I wanted us to share openly and honestly, and we did. Things like our greatest desires, something no one knows about you, and what your favorite movie is. We all shared, and we all learned.

The next day was the official start of the retreat. It started with laughter and tears, as we talked about storytelling and got to see how each person thought and created without lifting a camera. From there we headed to the castle where we did a blindfolded shoot and then got to practicing with the three models who joined us. The day was chaotic but theraputic, fun and exhilarating. When we walked into the chateau that day, I think that at least seven of us cried at how beautiful it was. We wanted to live up to that beauty, and that stress is overwhelming. So I talked to each attendee, told them it was okay to fail and try again, and that we would be back here in two days time.

The end of that day brought a movie – a documentary that talked about seeing the world differently and with more love, adventure, and compassion. It was the perfect end to the first day.

Day two brought even more tears as we talked of our strengths and weaknesses, something which we are all connected by but afraid to speak out loud for fear of making them real, or being judged, or simply admitting them. We talked of a great many things, but what we had in common bonded us very strongly. We edited and talked of business, and had a lunch on a terrace of a restaurant, and then we sat down to a homemade dinner at night. I tried to help prepare the meal in some down time, but as I have learned, retreats are a 24 hour a day job and I was on the move.

That morning, though, was a most interesting experience. I ordered everyone up at 5AM to walk to a waterfall. Of course those who didn’t want to come didn’t have to, but I gave them my best pouty face just before bed to convince them. Everyone showed up as I rang the bell at our house to convene. There were 17 of us all together, and we marched to that waterfall like we weren’t afraid of anything…except we were. The water was colder than any water I had felt, and I told them I was jumping. And I did…along with about ten others. We lined up on the edge of the water and, on the count of three, we all jumped in. Some stayed behind and took pictures, others swam around, others were so shocked by the temperature that they got out immediately. Whatever happened in that waterfall was magical, and we are all bonded by it.

On Day 3 we went back to the chateau and got to shoot for a full eight hour day. We were better prepared this time, having a whole day in between to think about the space and come up with stories. Many people shot a series, while others were inspired by individual rooms and props. It was absolutely magical to see. I spent the morning doing 1-1 meetings with the attendees, and then after lunch I got to shoot my own series – 12 images that I can’t wait to start working on!

It wouldn’t be complete without telling you about the lunches and dinners at the chateau – huge, multi-course meals eaten outside of the castle with a view of the whole town below, mountains in the distance, blue skies and white puffy clouds. Perfect temperatures…and a feisty gray cat who wanted to dine with us.

That night we made t-shirts and reverted back into our childhood selves. We were very sad it was ending the next day, but so happy for what we had together. We danced, painted t-shirts, laughed until our bellies hurt, and hugged until we couldn’t anymore.

When morning came we had to pack up. Everyone slowly took their leave and made the ending official, but we all promised to meet again someday…and we will, of that I am certain.

Please meet the family I made in France. We affectionately call ourselves “Fromagi”, which is a joke I can’t begin to explain, except that when you put an American in France you’ll start to say some pretty strange things. They are all uniquely talented, and I love them dearly:

Bonnie Caton

Dawn Culen

Delphine Millet

“These days seem to me like a dream and I can’t believe it was the reality. I still can’t find the words to describe it because I don’t know words which are powerful enough to express these moments. The only word that I have in mind is “goose-bumps” because I had so many “goose-bumps” moments and here I still have them when I read the posts of others Fromagi. I really really hope that we all will meet again because I can’t imagine that our life won’t cross in the future.”
– Delphine

Emmanuel Lhermitte

Jade Sayers

Jessi Bowman

Kory Zuccarelli

“I’ve gotta say my expectations of this retreat were absolutely blown away. I guess I really hadn’t imagined what I had gotten myself into. I would think coming into a fairly sized group of people, some of us would click and we’d have our little circles, but no. We were solid group of individuals who came from all corners of the globe, and meshed together like old friends hitting a comforting connection right off the bat. Words of wisdom, stories of woe and laughter, shared throughout the week. If this weren’t enough, we had the most amazing models, helpers, and locations to shoot in! Something so etherial and wonderful about the abundant joy we each shared on our faces ; like a slight glare into another’s eye and we share the same thought, “Is this seriously all real?” 
I’m so grateful that I had this opportunity and that I got to share it with so many like-minded people. This retreat sparked a new passion I have on life and I came home from France with a family. Le Fomagi for life!”
– Kory

Lieke Anna Haertjens

“Words can not describe the feeling that has entered my being after these wonderful days with all of these beautiful people. In such a short amount of time I learned so much. Not only about photography, but about myself, about the world. How we see the world and are able to change this if we set our mind to it. I learned more than I could have ever dreamt of. My heart is filled with inspiration, love and joy. I am so grateful to have been a part of this life-changing adventure. It was the most magical bubble we lived in during these days and I hope we can all take our little bubbles with us, cherish them, hold on to them until we meet again. ”
-Lieke

Marisa White

Melissa Hutchinson

Mike Epner

Rebeca Cygnus

“The whole experience filled my heart with love. As I said to you in the chateau, you make magic and the right word for me to describe your workshop is magical. I loved every second of the workshop. You made me feel completely alive those four days. I only have to say thank you infinitely.”
– Rebeca

Tom Newforge

Very special thanks to Jen Brook for being our resident model and, as usual, blowing everyone’s expectations out of the water. Many thanks to my assistants, Kelly and KD, for being my best friends and greatest helpers. And to everyone who joined me – you gave me a new family that I will forever cherish, and all I can say is…FROMAGI for life <3

To join me on my next artist retreat in Hana, Hawaii, you can find more information on my website or my blog!

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