All artist’s encounter struggles as they move along their journey. One of my most prominent hiccups has been a battle between what comes easy and what scares me. I nearly always end up choosing what scares me, though like anyone it can take some time to get there. Last week I was trekking through an abandoned auditorium, exploring layers upon layers of peeling paint in old bathrooms and hallways. It was incredible, the amount of history and story hidden in the crevices. I was inspired and uninspired all at once. I loved what I was seeing, but I had no desire to pull my camera out. The problem was in the expectation.

To me, expectation is the death of creativity. That won’t be the last time I make that statement. Whenever I try to anticipate how I will react to something, I immediately lose interest. The goal is not to figure myself out, it is to surprise myself. That is why, when I got to that location, I didn’t want to take any pictures. I anticipated what I would find and I was bored with fulfilling my expectation.

Instead, after thirty minutes of wandering around, I found myself in the simplest part of the building. I had a vision there, something that briefly popped into my head and then fled. I sat with the idea for a minute, thinking about the complexities of how to bring it to life, and knowing immediately that even if it didn’t work out it was still worth shooting. I called my friends in, asked them to kindly strip down to the skivvies, and posed them. We laughed together until we nearly cried, feeling the joy of the spontaneity and the sense of adventure that comes with doing something unusual.

For a while I was caught up in not being so creepy and outwardly dark since I knew that it bothered some people. Suffice it to say I’ve thrown that fear out the window. I love being wholly myself. Our goal as artists should not be to make everyone understand us. It should be to try to understand ourselves, and if others jump on our bandwagon in the process, more power to us. I no longer seek to please, I seek to understand my uniqueness. I ask myself why and I always find an answer. I do my artistic homework.

This image means a lot to me. It is was taken at a pivotal moment of choosing to ground myself in my weirdness. It reflects a deeply personal place of feeling pulled at and controlled, and wanting to fight against that. It is raw, skin showing and nothing to protect that vulnerability. It can mean anything to anyone – even if it means nothing – and that is the job of the modern artist: to be okay with our art fulfilling only a part of ourselves. When we release it into the world it becomes part of the world.

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“Holding On to Broken Pieces”, modeled by my dear friends (who are more like family): Mia Hutchinson, Lieke Anna, Jen Brook, who all lent their various limbs (and face, thank you Mia!) to this image. Second image revisited underwater.

We are almost into June! That means that the first half of the year is almost over. In some ways I don’t like counting down or up throughout the year, always trying to get to the next big event. But in other ways it serves as a great way of checking in with ourselves to ask the simple but profound question:

Am I doing what I love?

I made a vow this year that I would not create unless I felt compelled in some way to do so. That means no more creating because I think I should be, or taking pictures because I need to keep up with social media, or to keep myself relevant. If it doesn’t serve me, I don’t spend my energy on it. I’ve learned, slowly, to value my energy – physically and mentally – so that it truly serves my greatest purpose rather than serving someone else. When we let ourselves be fulfilled, we can better serve others.

Looking at the images I’ve created so far this year (plus three that I can’t share yet!) I feel energized. I don’t think I’ve achieved all of what I wanted to do yet (for instance, creating a more vibrant color palette, and incorporating locations I’ve never seen before). I do see progression though, specifically in “Percussion” and the two images following, since they utilize techniques and visuals I have never tried before. There are some “old hat” images, like three underwater pictures, but that isn’t necessarily bad. Sometimes we as artists feel like if we aren’t changing (often confused with challenging) then we aren’t truly creating art – but to me, sometimes the things that make you happy stick with you, and there is no shame in manifesting that through your work.

How do you feel your portfolio is shaping up this year?
Do you see a clear progression or style emerging for your 2016 portfolio?
Are you creating as much or as little as you want?
Does what you create reflect who you are or does it reflect someone else – a client, peers, etc.?

If I had to describe my work so far this year in keywords I would say: interaction/motion, isolated colors, searching, self-portraiture, ambiance, whimsy, feminine. 

If I had to describe what I want my work to look like in keywords: dark, other-worldly, conceptual…so those are things to work on!

All of my 2016 images are available as fine art prints and are represented by the galleries listed on my website. 

2016 Sizes/Editions:

Last year I had the idea to start filming music videos, whether someone hired me or not. I thought it would be an interesting medium to work in and since I have a film background, why not! I have shot two since then but they are still being edited, so I will share when they are finished. For my last video shoot we filmed underwater, and I grabbed a few stills while we were at it!

Shooting underwater is always wrought with challenges, but this shoot proved very simple in some regards. I rented a black bottom pool that was truly very dark, so editing the background and making the subject stand out became easy. I had an amazing model to work with, Sara Silkin, who is also a dancer and choreographer. She could move like nobody’s business under that water! And to boot, it was an overcast, rainy day in Los Angeles, so the light was wonderfully diffused.

The downside? It was COLD. That water was some of the coldest I have ever been in. Our model was turning a range of blue to purple to black, and so we could only shoot for a few minutes at a time with an hour in between to get warmed up again. It was extremely tough on my body and I definitely paid for it the next few days, but it was so worth it. I hope you enjoy the images!

Do you have a favorite?

Have you dabbled in underwater photography?

How often do you live in madness?

[Transcript of video] I was thinking about Alice in Wonderland and how they not only introduce, but unashamedly applaud crazy individuals. What if we lived in a world where that was also encouraged, where we could be as mad as we like and we were applauded for it. Well, the truth is, that we do live in that world, only it is a world of elitism. We don’t exactly applaud the mad adventures of creative people in all circumstances. It is easy to be labeled weird or strange or written off for prancing around in a nightgown in the middle of the center of Amsterdam (or is that just me?) because craziness without success is often labeled as sad. But if you are crazy, and you follow through with one of your mad plans, and it suddenly is successful either through fame or money, then you are suddenly not crazy at all, but instead you are a genius. And with that genius comes praise and acceptance and a shift of the status quo. The problem here is that many people, myself included, will have ideas that are crazy and will not succeed. We think big and we try our hardest yet still that plan doesn’t find legs, and we find ourselves back at square one. This is a natural phenomenon. This is human nature – to try and fail and try again. Yet with how easy it is to be influenced by social media and the opinions of others, how often do we really try again? How often can we say that we are making our dreams a reality through the repeated failure of said dream?

How often do we put money first, or our family’s security, or the protection of our good name in order to protect what is nice and easy and safe? How often do we blame other people for our dreams not panning out? And it is easy to do this! It is easy to say that it was so-and-so’s fault, that mean person online who told me to give up. But think back to when you were a child and your parent told you to go to bed, and you rebelliously said no. That child didn’t think twice about what was right or wrong, what was safest for him or her. No, no, you simply did what your heart wanted. Why do we lose that? We lose that sense of self because we are taught to abandon it for the betterment of everyone around us. So when Mr. or Mrs. Nobody online, who we do not know at all, tells us to quit for whatever reason they see fit, we tend to listen, because we have been taught to listen. And listen we should! But not to that person. When it comes to following your dream, it is not wise to listen to the naysayer or the person who wants us to be safe. It is important to listen to ourselves, because in our heart of hearts we know what is right and what is true. We know what makes us feel alive. And without that…if we let that slip away…we will be left with a sore heart, too full with dreams to let anything else in. And we go on with what makes us content and we fail one last time.

But what happens when we don’t. What happens when we try again, and we find new ideas to love, and we nourish those ideas until they are so big that we simply must act on them. They cannot be ignored. And they shouldn’t be, because an ignored dream can be felt by everyone around you, and it infects their minds just the same as it rots in your own. When you pursue that dream, you show the world around you that it is okay to be different, to be mad and strange and weird, and it is okay to believe in what makes your heart soar. You prove to yourself that you are worth it. And even further, you change the world by simply not giving up. It is true that people become successful in the eyes of the public because of wealth and status, but that does not make their idea any better or worthy of praise. Your idea, it is very likely, has merit of it’s own. But no one will ever know that if you don’t tell them. And you won’t tell them if you never believe in yourself enough to try.

The first little while went really well. The water was pretty clear and we were having a lot of fun. But then some boats started coming in and docking – not at our pier, as it was out of commission (I checked first!) but at a nearby pier. This caused the water to become quite choppy, and since we were near rocks, we decided to get our before it got worse. I swam while holding my camera in my huge ikelite housing and then navigated the slippery rocks out while helping my friends and continuously (per request from Kelly) checking for sea creatures underwater with my camera (I would shoot a few pics to see what we were surrounded by). I did see a couple – an octopus and an eel, but I certainly didn’t tell her that until later. Once we made it out we decided to get back in when the water calmed, and we shot a few more images before calling it a night and drinking a coconut.

Now I desperately want to go back to Hawaii. Oh, to re-live these experiences through photographs is something I do not take for granted, and I can only hope to better document my next adventure.

Model: Marsha Denill
Assistance: Kelly McGrady

http://brookeshaden.com/workshops/

From waterfalls to caves and underwater photography in the ocean, we will create adventures together that go beyond a workshop setting. For 4 nights we will live together, create, inspire, challenge, and share ourselves while a new family is born. Retreats are meant to feed the creative spark as well as the creative’s soul. I know that’s how I feel…renewed and passionate, and that is why I love hosting artist retreats so much.

The price is all-inclusive outside of transportation to the island of Maui, meaning that your living accommodations, food, transportation while at the retreat, and location/model fees are included. You show up, we take care of the rest. The “we” I reference are myself (I’ll be leading the event), along with two assistants and a resident model who is there for your inspirational whims.

You need nothing but your favorite camera, a laptop, and a tripod if it isn’t too difficult to fit in your luggage! Read the information packet on my website to get more details, pictures, and a thorough schedule…or to book a space!

October 2-6, 2014
$1,950 per person

My theme song for this retreat!

All of these things make me bubble with excitement. But then there is one thing that weighs heavily on my mind, and that is a change that I’m quite sad about. I can see the silver lining, and I’ll be posting about why later this year, but for now, I want to speak about the darker side.

My very first convention that I ever spoke at was After Dark. I was invited into the family with open arms and was allowed to be completely myself, no matter what. Ever since then I’ve been an advocate of what they do there, and am proud to say that I have become a part of that process and team. I feel so loved when I attend. I try to love on as many people as possible. It is one big lovely love fest.

But at the end of March, the last After Dark will take place. It is like seeing a part of my heart wash away, but at the same time, I know that things must change. If it weren’t for the extreme kindness of the family of After Dark, especially Dave Junion, I might not have found my voice. I knew that I had something to say, but I didn’t know where to say it. AD has become my home away from home, and I will miss it terribly.

I think that we all have something like that in our lives, be it a person or a place or a thing…something that makes us feel accepted, or welcomed, or just like we can be ourselves. That is After Dark to me, and even though it won’t live on past this final convention, I will take what I have gained from it and apply it to everything that I do. I will move forward with a passionate intensity that makes me feel good about being myself. I will spread the love that I learned there to everyone in my path. And I will make sure that AD doesn’t ever fully go away, as I know so many people will do, because we will take what we learned and allow that to guide us in the future.

I sincerely hope that you’ll join me for this last After Dark. I will be giving it my all when I’m there. I’m not going to be fancy. I’m not going to do backflips and tricks (except that one levitation class…). I’m just going to teach from my soul and give all that I can.

THE CONTEST:

Dave said that I could give away a free pass to After Dark running from March 30-April 2 in St. Louis, MO. If you would like to join us, please leave a comment with one paragraph about how you think that this experience will help your future. We’ll be picking one winner to join us!

Deadline is February 16th at 11PM PST.

Do you have something in your life like this? Something that makes you feel like you are okay to be yourself? A person, place, thing? Please do share, I love knowing what is near and dear to your heart.