A few days ago I wrote a blog post about ways to jumpstart your dreams. One of my main points was that few people really know what they’re doing. I am one of those people. Not the few, but the type that doesn’t know what she’s doing. However, after publishing that article, I got an email from someone telling me that it might be true that a lot of people don’t know how to do what they desire, but that clearly I am not one of those people. This email asserted that I clearly know what I’m doing and life seems so easy for me.

Wait one minute. Let me stop you in your tracks as I was stopped in mine. If, I thought, I have given anyone the impression that I know what I’m doing, then I am not doing my job. I want to break down these myths that living the artist life is easy and that I have things handed to me. None of that is true and may never be true for me. So let’s get real.

I wake up every single day and have to make decisions about what I will spend my time working on. I don’t know if those things will ever pay off, if anyone will like them, or if they will in fact hurt me. I wake up with no one telling me what to do and no one guiding me down this path. I have few people to look toward as example. This is not a complaint. These are the things that make me excited to be alive. But at the same time, they are also what put doubt in my mind.

In a single day I will feel immense pride at going my own way and not having a clue about how to do that. What feels like inevitability, I also have the opposite thoughts; that I will never figure it out and that I might as well give up before I begin. I find myself struggling to motivate myself to create without a clear end goal. I feel inadequate at the simplest tasks.

I remind myself everyday that we can’t all be great at everything. I watch people online who seem to be amazing at all that they do, but I tell myself those are the highlight reels. My life is filled with them and utterly devoid of them, depending on the day.

I sit and stare at to-do lists that grow a mile long and I both cower at that and am empowered by that. Other days I stare at a blank page with nothing to do on it and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out what to write. Where to start. What to begin. It is hard as a dream chaser to know what to do all the time or how to do it or what it will end up being. All we can do is try. All we can do on some days is stare at that blank page and surrender yourself to the process. Or stare at your to do list and choose what makes your heart sing that particular day to complete.

In no particular order, these are the things I don’t know how to do: taxes, make coffee, bake, organize my office, not watch Harry Potter when I’m having a bad day, successfully submit to all the galleries I like, win awards, update the most basic settings on my blog, a headstand, whistle, etc…

Quite literally as I was writing that list my husband walked in and said, entirely coincidentally, “It’s time you learned how to whistle.” We tried for 15 minutes to no avail. He even drew diagrams to tell me how to shape my lips. He told me that within an hour I would learn, but I told him I was writing an article about the things I can’t do and to try again later. Back to the point…

Do you know what the most encouraging thing in the world is? Knowing that we all started knowing nothing. Everyone who can make coffee started out not knowing how to make coffee, and now they can. (I can make a mean tea though. I’m a pro at boiling water.) Both of these statements are true: I know more than you and I know less than you. You know more than me and less than me. We know different things and we are constantly learning different skills. Instead of being discouraged thinking about how much other people know, think about how they got there. They learned. They grew in their craft. And it might be frustrating and intimidating to not know what you’re doing, but that’s life. We start out not knowing anything and then we know something. Try. Try so hard at what you want. Make it up as you go along. Take steps that might send you flying backward, but at least you can set out again with a little more know-how.

I leave you with this quote from Henry David Thoreau. It speaks to our desire to both know the world around us yet also to keep it a mystery. We need to be challenged. We need to not know. We need to search. So let us do so in pursuit of our dreams. Is that not the greatest possible life?

“We need the tonic of wildness…At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be indefinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us…”

—
Image: “Blind Beginnings”, modeled by Jen Brook.
Photographed in Iceland June 2015.

What is something you have overcome?

In it’s infancy the whole idea felt distant and therefore attainable. As any big idea looks from far away, it appeared small and manageable. Something happens once you give an idea momentum – it gets closer, and looks bigger, until you suddenly realize you might not be able to pick it up by yourself. Such was the case with the Promoting Passion Convention. It was so simple to say that I wanted to create an event, but so difficult to pick that event up and take it where it needed to go by myself. So I got help.

First with Christine Heidel to help me secure a location, and then from Kate Hailey to help me find sponsors. After that, it was just me and Kelly working every day to make it come together.

There were three distinct times when I almost cancelled the convention altogether. The first time was before I announced it publicly. I was having a hard time finding sponsors to support a smaller, first-time event. I was having trouble communicating with the location. And I had nerves about getting anyone to show up. So just before I announced it online, I thought about canceling it and waiting until I had all of the sponsors in place so that I didn’t have to worry about money. The second time I almost canceled the convention was the day I announced it. Logically I knew it would take time for people to sign up, but in my imagination I was hoping for a massive success and that people would be beating down the door to sign up. When registration felt like crickets chirping, I panicked. I came much closer to actually shutting it down that very day that I announced it. The third time I nearly canceled was one month before it was set to begin. I didn’t have enough sign-ups to cover my costs and I was really worried about how much I might have to pay out of pocket.

The excuses I made are riddled with two attributes that I, as a general rule, don’t feed. And yet, in this case, I fed those traits everyday, with the most fattening food I could. Those traits were greed and shame. By canceling the event because I wasn’t making money, or because I’d have to spend my own money to make it happen, was just plain greedy. Perhaps I thought there was some rulebook saying that in order for something to be successful it must also be a monetary success. This has never been true and will never be true. The act of doing the thing is the success, and anything else is extra. The shame came from not wanting to look silly in front of everyone. I kept envisioning showing up and having there only be a few people at the event and feeling embarrassed that I couldn’t pull more people in.

But I realized that none of these things would be true. Success is not measured by money, and shame is something that can only seem a reality if you manifest it outside of yourself. The moment I act ashamed is the moment others can see my shame. The moment I cancel the event is the moment I draw attention to my own fears. So I turned my thoughts around entirely. I remember very distinctly writing down five reasons why no matter who came to the convention, it would be okay:

1. There will be a better sense of community with a smaller group.

2. There will be more 1-1 time and individual attention.

3. There is more room for audience participation.

4. The speakers can be more personal and interactive.

5. The attendees will have a better experience to spread the word for next year.

The moment I wrote out those five bullet points, I felt calmed. Sometimes all it takes is seeing the other side of a situation to silence your inner demons. And when I did, I was healed. We didn’t end up filling our seats to capacity, but when all was said and done we were only 10 people shy of that, and I found that to be a success. Because you see, no matter what the situation ends up being, there is always success to be found in the smallest triumphs and the biggest failures. There is goodness in all things if we choose to see it. There is a way to give thanks and a way to let it crumble, and I would rather be thankful, always.

I wanted to share very openly about my struggle in putting the event together, as I did throughout the convention itself, because we are not alone. I realized, as I stood on stage for the first time at my very first convention, that it would be easy for me to look out at a room of 100+ people and act like it was no big deal putting it all together. But that is the lie we tell ourselves. That is the lie we perceive about others. I thought that I must have looked so professional up there, lights blaring down on me, as I looked out at the amazing individuals who came out to support the event. But that is the lie, and this is the truth:

We are all scared.

And being scared should not stop us from realizing our greatest potential. It should not stop us from pursuing our greatest dreams. The moment it does is the moment fear takes over and quiets the voice inside that shouts at us to be more. It is that voice, coming from within, that should be listened to, never the voices from outside telling you all of the reasons why you will fail. They are cocky, overloaded, booming voices that speak from a place of hatred and never love.

In the midst of the convention, people started asking if I would be hosting another one next year, and I found myself automatically saying yes. The environment was so encouraging and loving that there was no space for that negative voice to be nurtured, and so I answered as my most loving self. I said yes. And in that moment I realized that I had missed something on my list of reasons why the convention would be a success, no matter what.

Someone would be deeply touched, no matter how many people showed up.

And that person, along with so many attendees, was me.

I have been working myself so hard lately that I decided this past weekend was solely dedicated to creating. I went out on Saturday to a lake and did a shoot I had been planning for ages, but it just didn’t work out. It looked beautiful thanks to the mostly-diffused sun behind the storm clouds, but when it came time to edit, the pieces just weren’t coming together. From crunched shadows to awkward composition, I just wasn’t feeling it. So I began to create something else the next day. I decided that in my bedroom I would create a magical little world.

This is the original sketch I drew:

But then, after I shot myself laying down on the floor, I got some ideas. What if I did _______, or what if _________ was more like ________. And so the shoot spiraled from what it was supposed to be to what it could be, and I loved that process of experimentation. When it came time to edit, I was excited to start piecing everything together. But the problem was I had shot it so fast that I didn’t give myself time to think it through. In the end, the pieces simply didn’t match for me. The nude figure with the shadow on the wall seemed not to go together. The hole in the wall worked better, but still, the nude form wasn’t the message I was trying to send.

What is the message you’re trying to send with what you create?
Share a piece that you feel represents that!

But aside from reflecting on the things we’ve done, it is a chance to start anew. It is a chance to evaluate if you really are the person you want to be, or if you need to change something. For me, there is always something to change. The only question is what I am going to change. I spent the last year of my life changing course. I stopped doing a lot of the things I had done before – business and personal – and laid the foundation for a new life. This year, I am living it. Year 28 will be one of discovering my dreams. Dreaming bigger. Dreaming in my own way. Letting dreams define me.

I emailed someone the other day about a big project I’m working on. His response was “This is an absolutely crazy idea”. And that made my heart soar with joy. “Yes,” I thought, “that is the kind of life I want to live.”

Getting older means learning lessons. It means failing miserably. It means succeeding wildly. It means changing perspective on life. And this is what it has meant to me:

2. Life cannot be quantified in years. If I died right now, I will have lived the best life possible. This I can say with absolute confidence and love.

3. I would rather be crazy than boring. After all, I am the only one I can count on to entertain myself.

4. Not everything will work out, because if it did, we wouldn’t be able to see the gems through the dust.

5. There is never an excuse for boredom.

6. Being present in all that you do means you will never feel like life has passed you by.

7. Being genuine will get you farther than attempting to please people.

8. When you refuse to compromise your beliefs, you attract like-minded people into your life.

9. If you treat failure like an old friend, he will always be there to help you back up when he knocks you down.

10. Kindness should never be dependent on someone else’s actions.

11. Fears are friends wearing masks. Get close enough to see the face of fear.

12. Give your love without need for reciprocation. Receive love like you deserve it.

13. The words “best” and “worst” should never be used to describe someone. We will only look foolish when we are proved wrong.

14. Tell someone why you love them.

15. Live your life to make someone else’s life better.

16. Look forward to each day you grow older. The alternative is death.

17. If you build a community, take care of that community.

18. Dream as though it will happen.

What I have learned this past year can be summed up in these words: Love wholly. Give repeatedly. Create selfishly. Challenge yourself regularly. Live beautifully.

Goodnight, 27.

Good morning, 28.

—

If you would like to send along a birthday gift (trust me, this is not a crazy narcissist sentence…) you can donate to the Fibromyalgia awareness campaign I have running, create an image with a butterfly to raise awareness, or join me on May 9 for the Caterpillar Walk. Alternately, you can donate photo equipment for the photography school I am starting in India for survivors of human trafficking – The Light Space. Signing up for the new After Dark conference will help donate to the school. Or simply check out my Giving Back page for ways to get involved.

]]> https://www.promotingpassion.com/promoting-passion-week-61-birthday-reflections/feed/ 19 https://www.promotingpassion.com/i-remember/ https://www.promotingpassion.com/i-remember/#comments Thu, 12 Feb 2015 17:30:07 +0000 http://www.promotingpassion.com/?p=2603 Read More Read More

Artificial Lighting
Clipping Masks
Auto (anything) in Photoshop
Working with Agency Models
Dealing with a Bright Background
Modern Props/Spaces
Narrative Storytelling
Working with a Team

And the list goes on. *And* that is just for my photography. We all have countless struggles in our lives, be it professionally or personally. When we love something, we want to do it well. We want our hearts to be poured into something great. We put emphasis on what we love and so we do it, yet somewhere along the line we start focusing on all the ways in which we might fail.

No one will ever be good at everything. Even the most proficient person at their craft has a range of things that they simply aren’t good at. Yet at the heart of our challenges lies the simple idea that we are not actually bad at anything; we are afraid.

If someone tries hard enough at something, it is likely they will get past that awkward, uncomfortable phase of being bad at it. That doesn’t mean they will ever be the best, but they certainly will progress. The single thing that stops us from pushing past what we are bad at is fear of trying at all – being judged, judging ourselves, losing self-esteem.

For me, take artificial lighting. From my earliest days as a photographer people told me that in order to be “professional” I had to learn how to light my photos. I had learned about lighting a little bit in film school, and even then was terrified to touch a light despite wanting to be a cinematographer. I often opted for more unusual (re: low budget) ways of lighting a scene, like a 200watt bulb inside a paper lantern from Ikea. It worked, or at least…most of the time.

However, that does not mean that artificial light can’t produce the same results, or that I could expand my style even further by trying. So, then, why did I not?

Fear. That is what stops most people from doing most things.

Fear that my style will change and I will have the growing pains of growing into it.
Fear that I won’t be good at it. I have given artificial light a try, from huge softboxes in the forest to bare bulbs in my house. And to be honest, I don’t enjoy those pictures as much. But even more, I don’t enjoy that process. And in creating images with artificial light, I’ve learned something valuable – that I feel secure and fulfilled with my methods, and yet I don’t have a looming fear hanging over my head anymore.

I love creating for myself and by myself. I love my process so wholeheartedly it feels like an extension of myself. Yet that does not mean that there isn’t room for growth. There are always things to learn, even if it is what you don’t want to do. As long as you understand who you are, exploring other options can only act as a catalyst for a more secure and fulfilling life.

Today, when you write your list of things you can’t do, pick one of those items and change it. Do it. Break out of your comfort zone and try something completely foreign to your process, and own it. Fly or fall, that is no matter. The outcome is less important than the journey. Take a step forward to challenge your own fears and overcome them. The moment you do, you are free of them.

—

The above image was photographed with SweetLights in my living room, with a WHCC floor and black cloth background. Oh, and lots of painful body positions, as usual.

]]> https://www.promotingpassion.com/free-of-fears/feed/ 21 https://www.promotingpassion.com/promoting-passion-week-56-failure-mantras/ https://www.promotingpassion.com/promoting-passion-week-56-failure-mantras/#comments Mon, 19 Jan 2015 16:24:28 +0000 http://www.promotingpassion.com/?p=2514 Read More Read More

I was thrilled…until I saw how the light looked, and realized I didn’t have much time to experiment. So I had my friend hold up a sheet in front of the light to diffuse it. I played with distance of light to subject, tried a rim light, and kept playing. As I was shooting I knew I didn’t like the pictures, but I thought it worthy of continuing. I recognized, right then and there, that if I stopped, I would get nothing from the shoot. Yet if I kept going, I would teach myself valuable lessons.

My pictures are not images that I’m proud of because I like how they look. Quite the contrary, I very much dislike looking at these images. I would not put them in my portfolio. But they are among the top images I have ever learned from, and just how much I dislike them tells me how much more I have to learn. Humility is a great gift, and I welcome it with each failure I endure.

Share with us an image you feel was a failure, or share a tip that you learned from messing up an image!

Mistakes are successes that we learn best from, after all.

You might feel like you’ll never figure out your style…

…or feel feel inferior if you use your bathroom light because you can’t figure out how to turn on the fancy one…

…or you may give up on lighting completely and take a chance on the midday sun…

…you might create your first big print and only then realize all of the editing mistakes you made…

…or you might get a deal to have your artwork on a book cover, only to realize you lost that file ages ago…

…You might be really proud of an image one day, and then look back and cringe years later…

…You might look back at your work and think you were drowning…

…but that would be the biggest lie of all. You were jumping higher than you thought…

…you weren’t watching time pass, you were living it…

…and when you look back at your journey there are no mistakes to be found, only lessons…

…no failure, only success at living your dream…

…and yes, there were growing pains…

…times when you felt vulnerable, naked, and exposed…

…and times when you needed to protect yourself from the harshness of the world…

…yet dreams are always worth carrying, no matter how heavy they seem…

…You are more powerful than you know…

…and can fly higher than you ever imagined…

…and in the end it won’t matter if you were the most talented, but instead the most fulfilled…

…for you are on a journey that only you can experience…

…and every moment of it, the ugly and the beautiful, is perfection.

The biggest mistake there is to make is to believe the lie that you are not good enough to seek happiness, fulfillment and bliss.

Make your journey one for the storybooks. Live it.

1. You may never be as talented as you wish you were. 

Always strive for more. If you reach a place of contentment, growth has stopped.

2. You deserve to FAIL.

Not just that you will fail, but you deserve to fail. Everyone has to fail to understand the sweetness of succeeding. So not only will you fail, but you should want to fail. Failure is how we measure success and how we gain perspective on the world.

3. You will be told NO more than YES.

Understand that every no is another way of getting to where you want to go, and perseverance is key. Hearing no is validation that you are doing something meaningful.

4. You are only as good as your weakest deed.

When you try to be the best version of yourself you gain a better vision of yourself. Think about the best person you can be, and then be that person as much as possible. Change and growth are always within our control. How you see the world and respond to it make you unique, and you can be better than you were before.

5. People WILL NOT like you.

No matter what you do or how kind you are or how great your intentions are, people will not like you. Good. Take it, let that digest, and tell the world you’re okay with that. Love yourself first, and more will follow. Never all, but you’ll have a great foundation of support and love. After all, the saying “You get what you give” is one of the truest I know.